Son and elderly father

[cymruambyth]

This is just a rant because everything is imploding!
Brief resume of my year......
Son after a couple of gap years goes to uni to study a foundation science conversion degree. Meets the love of his life who convinces him (probably didn't take much convincing) that his jealousy, immaturity, bad temper and laziness are caused by being bipolar or having personality disorder.
This gives son carte blanche to behave terribly, threaten suicide, get drunk and generally abdicate all resposibility for his behaviour.
To cut a very long story he goes to the doctor has loads of assessments, see loads of people, but doesn't get the quick solution that he wanted.
They break up several times, we get calls all hours about what he is going to do etc. OH and I have spent over a thousand pounds (sorry had to use cards) driving to and from son and living in the area supporting him. At Easter son comes home, registers back with ur GP and waits for everything to be transferred home..
All going fine and now has gone to Ibiza for the summer to work and and and.
I want to kill him
Next post will cover dad.

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

Whilst this is happening with my son, I am also deling with my chronically ill father who has dementia!
Son had been living with dad and found his deterioration very stressful. Dad has been on his own for several years, on sites trying to find girlfriends etc. he was a genius in his field and only retired about 3 years ago in his 70s. Since he hasn't used his brain parts have died. To shorten another very long story, he has heart and lung failure, diabetes, prostate problems and his kidneys are failing. He hasn't left the house for nearly a year.
I have spent a lot of time with him, only returning on Sunday. He isn't drinking, hasn't eaten for ages, keeps falling and has nor been consigned to bed. Even with dementia he is a master of emotional blackmail! I am at home, he became bedridden after I left on Sunday; the doctor, who is excellent has said the options are either pneumonia because he is immobile or kidney failure and a Coma through lack of fluids.
Through all this the care package and carers have been fantastic.

So, sorry to go on but feeling a bit shit at present!

[pompeyfaith]

Re: Son and elderly father

cymruambyth,

No need to be sorry it is good to shout out at times as it lowers stress levels.

Sorry to hear about your dad it is not easy as he has a lot for you to cope with, It is nice to hear that his carers are doing the job well.

[PlanB]

Re: Son and elderly father

Cym. Speaking as a mother of a child who went to uni . . . . I'd say your son sounds perfectly normal to me if not somewhat annoying. Is this your first experience of one going to uni (you have 3 offspring?). My daughter should have got first class degree with honours in 'getting drunk, behaving terribly and generally abdicating responsibility for behaviour'. It's probably not bi-polar it's what they do

She also had two gap years while *figuring out* what she wanted to do with her life She went clubbing most nights and downed so many Class A drugs that when she got an 'E' grade for A Level science the irony was not lost on me

I too dragged her from doctor to doctor and a very expensive psychiatrist at The Priory in search of the cure. I was convinced that something must have happenend to change her from the perfact little swot with a place at the Royal Ballet into Amy Winehouse overnight But there was no cure, I just had to wait for her to grow out of it It took three years. She had to re-sit her exams at every year end but eventually she emerged with a degree Which, incidentally, no one seems to give a damn about once you've got your first job under way!

She's now the most wonderful daughter you could ever wish for And even says "I was really shocking when I was at uni wasn't I Mummy". I have to bite my tongue and simply give her a knowing look I'd quite like back all the money she stole out of my wallet to go drinking/clubbing but you can't have everything I suppose.

Hang on in there Cym because this nightmare will pass

She's currently in Ibiza too

[Pixie]

Re: Son and elderly father

(((hugs))) cymruambyth

You're not having a good time of it at the moment. Like PF says, it's good to have a rant sometimes - it certainly helps to relieve the pressure and lower your blood pressure.

While you're dealing with all this, make sure you look after yourself

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

Thanks PlanB. I don't think there is anything wrong with him other than needing a good *****! He has been self harming and says he tried to OD. His speciality has been to 4am phone calls whilst drunk stating that he was going to throw himself off the cliffs. Or the afternoon when he said everything was too late and that he was going to kill himself(alcohol and yet another break up) which resulted in police and half of the town joining my husband searching the cliffs whilst I co-ordinated from home 300 miles away and I guessed where he was hiding!
He is the second of 4, number 1 who is very laid back gained a 2:1 after failing his first year exams because he was throwing up drunk as he went into them!
No 2 is supposed to have a job and is going to return for an OU degree, fingers crossed.

Dad on the other hand.....having spoken to him he has begged me to help him because he is feeling so terrible and his foot is hurting which is breaking my heart. No 3 is living with him at present and returns to sit an A level exam next week. Bugger

[PlanB]

Re: Son and elderly father

I wish I could do more for you All I can do is compare notes if that helps. My daughter was also self-harming and one night locked herself in the bathroom with a kitchen knife. I kicked the door down to stop her. I shudder to remember it all. She also had bulimia at that time (due to ballet) and my world was falling in until I decided that rather than try to control her I would try to communicate with her. There was no way that would happen face to face so I started writing letters and posting them under her bedroom door. Each one told her how much I loved her and cared etc. When she was abroad I'd email her the same supportive missives. She tells me now how much this helped her when she felt all at sea with the pressure of exams and the horror of going out into the Big Bad World.

The man at The Priory blamed skunk (cannabis) which is known to cause paranoia etc. I'm not suggesting for one minute that your son is doing the same thing. My friends told me to throw her out the house and cut her off with no money. I couldn't do it. I kept on going, God knows how, but we got there in the end.

You will too PM me any time if you want.

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that 2 of my dogs hate each other at present with one of the terriers constantly attacking the ginormous puppy so that he took him by the neck and almost killed him! This means that they are in separate rooms and having separate walks. Puppy loves everyone and is laid back however he has been torn to shreds and hurt by the terrier!

Finally, mother in law is as mad as a box of frogs and suffers from depression.

Fighting DCAs seems quite easy ...... Just waiting for the court date with LTSB and our 'preferred solicitors'. However as I am wallowing, I have been fighting for 10 years, whilst OH leaves me to deal as I am so much better at it.

I am exhausted as I was up 3 or 4 times a night putting dad back to bed or holding his hand then had to drive 300 miles in rain with puppy.

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

I wish I could do more for you All I can do is compare notes if that helps. My daughter was also self-harming and one night locked herself in the bathroom with a kitchen knife. I kicked the door down to stop her. I shudder to remember it all. She also had bulimia at that time (due to ballet) and my world was falling in until I decided that rather than try to control her I would try to communicate with her. There was no way that would happen face to face so I started writing letters and posting them under her bedroom door. Each one told her how much I loved her and cared etc. When she was abroad I'd email her the same supportive missives. She tells me now how much this helped her when she felt all at sea with the pressure of exams and the horror of going out into the Big Bad World.

The man at The Priory blamed skunk (cannabis) which is known to cause paranoia etc. I'm not suggesting for one minute that your son is doing the same thing. My friends told me to throw her out the house and cut her off with no money. I couldn't do it. I kept on going, God knows how, but we got there in the end.

You will too PM me any time if you want.

What is wrong with skunk, everyone does it ...... Yes I have had this conversation and been told only once or twice mmmmm.
And yes it does get hard telling them how much you love them and how wonderful they are when all you want to do is strangle them and their 3 brothers are saying he should grow up!

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

Update, son is 'selling tickets' and meeting some really hot birds; life is great!

Unfortunately, dad has taken a turn for the worse and is now on a drip. At least he is at home. I'm driving back down again tomorrow.

[MrsD]

Re: Son and elderly father

chin up Cym

[jon1965]

Re: Son and elderly father

Am I the only person who doesn't do dope..it makes me ill
Ok so i have just bought two bottles of fruit flavoured Vodka (thank you Santander and Tesco)

By the way I do understand, I had the horrible drunk/depressed/suicidal/drug addict and thieving stepson when I was in my late 20's and early 30's

[cymruambyth]

Re: Son and elderly father

I don't know if dope would make me ill. However I must admit that sometimes drugs sound so good I wonder if I would like to try them, then I remember that I am a coward and the lows must match the highs!

[PlanB]

Re: Son and elderly father

There's no doubt that you're a good Mum to your Son, and a good Daughter to your Dad. They're both lucky to have you

[clueless24]

Re: Son and elderly father

Sending a big hug, hang on in there cym you are a wonderful mum and daughter don't loose sight of that and take care of yourself xxx