Torn in Two

[tastyjane]

I don't think its any secret that I have a strange family a daughter of 28, a son of 25 and a little one of 5 - my now husband has treated my first two as his own since they were little (8 & 10) and our 5 year old was very much planned and wanted. I so want my youngest son to be brought up in a traditional family mum and dad and siblings but if I'm really honest my marriage leaves me cold! When I was served a SD last year my husband was very judgemental, he who lives in a glass shouldn't throw stones in my opinion - he was lucky enough for me to provide him with a home some 15 years ago when he got into financial difficulties! I had my little boy and my husband called me a scrounger as I took some time off work - I had always supported my other 2 100 percent as my ex just walked away and I worked full time in a very demanding job, got made redundant and then started a business and then got pregnant (a joint decision) at 41 with George. Things have moved on and I am now back in full time employment, I get paid well but I am expected to put 60+ into my job and my husband is able to work from home and look after George. I am very resentful of his attitude to me, George was 8 weeks old when I went back to work part time, I now earn more than him and he is unreliable in paying towards the bills........Its not a huge problem as I am earning enough to cover mortgage etc but its in my head that he was so vile to me when George was just weeks old. I could afford to walk away from an interest only mortgage on a 4 bedroom house with no equity and rent a lovely property for me and my son but I so don't want to go through the whole single parent thing again. But! I am not happy, I cannot move on from his attitude when I needed him to support me Just having a rant but I feel so torn, I feel such a failure as my second marriage is on the rocks as I cannot move on from comments made years ago Jane x

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: Torn in Two

I'm crap at such things Jane so I'll stay out but I hope you find a way to sort things to however you feel best ASAP.

If poppy felt like that with me I'd be gutted if she never gave me a chance to explain and/or put it right. My wife is my life - i'd be lost without her but like most couples I probably (inadvertently) take her for granted but god I'd hate myself if she felt like you so please, just consider that point of view as hubby may not realise he's doing wrong.

[PlanB]

Re: Torn in Two

I feel such a failure as my second marriage is on the rocks as I cannot move on from comments made years ago Jane x

Oh Jane I hardly know where to begin to help but here goes

A marriage breakdown is not a "failure" by anyone. It's only human beings who feel they should have partners for life. If you watch any of those David Attenborough programmes you'll know that it's not the norm. Seriously though, it's hard work staying married. It's got to be worth the effort though.

I wish I'd worked harder at my marriage so that my daughter (now 29) wasn't brought up without a live-in dad. I feel terrible every day because I know I've ruined her happiness and possibly affected the way she feels about men and relationships. If I could put the clock back I would make a better effort to keep it all together.

And then there's the thought of what happens next if you let it go. I'm 64 and alone (not lonely but alone). It's not easy. I have to do all the *dick jobs* like put out the dustbins, start the car on frosty mornings, speak to the bank manager, and go downstairs with a poker if I fear there's an intruder in the house. I have no one to hide behind when the shit hits the fan. Before anyone throws in the towel I would say consider the alternative because it's not always that attractive.

I reckon from the little I know of you that you're probably a perfect wife and mother. I bet your husband thinks that too which is why he feels able to take you for granted.

PlanB xx

[PlanB]

Re: Torn in Two

If poppy felt like that with me I'd be gutted if she never gave me a chance to explain and/or put it right. My wife is my life - i'd be lost without her but like most couples I probably (inadvertently) take her for granted but god I'd hate myself if she felt like you so please, just consider that point of view as hubby may not realise he's doing wrong.

I wish I could thank your post twice. You've summed it up perfectly. Men and women think differently.

Sometimes men just don't know where they're going wrong in a relationship

[julian]

Re: Torn in Two

So sorry to hear this, but it is not abnormal. The choices are stark, like it or lump it, but not before you talk. Being in HR don't you have some counselling options/training?

It seems like kept men get used to it and think they are at home with Mummy: all the privileges and no pain. My mother in law had a theory that it is guilt and embarrassment that spurs such men to being horrid. Perhaps he just needs you to tell him how bad you feel, as Niddy says, he may be oblivious to your perception of the current state and your feelings.

[carol01]

Re: Torn in Two

I don't think its any secret that I have a strange family a daughter of 28, a son of 25 and a little one of 5 - my now husband has treated my first two as his own since they were little (8 & 10) and our 5 year old was very much planned and wanted. I so want my youngest son to be brought up in a traditional family mum and dad and siblings but if I'm really honest my marriage leaves me cold! When I was served a SD last year my husband was very judgemental, he who lives in a glass shouldn't throw stones in my opinion - he was lucky enough for me to provide him with a home some 15 years ago when he got into financial difficulties! I had my little boy and my husband called me a scrounger as I took some time off work - I had always supported my other 2 100 percent as my ex just walked away and I worked full time in a very demanding job, got made redundant and then started a business and then got pregnant (a joint decision) at 41 with George. Things have moved on and I am now back in full time employment, I get paid well but I am expected to put 60+ into my job and my husband is able to work from home and look after George. I am very resentful of his attitude to me, George was 8 weeks old when I went back to work part time, I now earn more than him and he is unreliable in paying towards the bills........Its not a huge problem as I am earning enough to cover mortgage etc but its in my head that he was so vile to me when George was just weeks old. I could afford to walk away from an interest only mortgage on a 4 bedroom house with no equity and rent a lovely property for me and my son but I so don't want to go through the whole single parent thing again. But! I am not happy, I cannot move on from his attitude when I needed him to support me Just having a rant but I feel so torn, I feel such a failure as my second marriage is on the rocks as I cannot move on from comments made years ago Jane x

hi jane
first you are not a failure within your first or second marrige , sometimes we have to except that no matter what we do not everyone agrees, i would talk to your husband and say how you feel tell him how you feel what do you have to lose, if after coversations ,it still falls on deaf ears the yes walk away, you have nothing to lose by having the conversation .
i went back to work after 3 weeks of having my daughter and i was lucky enough to have good parents that looked after her when i worked.
my brother has a brian tumour and has 6-9 months to live, he is 32 years old , he has 2 babies aged 18 months and 4 years that to me has put everything into perpective first money can't buy you happiness, 2nd life is short jane if you are that unhappy do something about it xx

[SXGuy]

Re: Torn in Two

Forgive me if I ask any silly questions, have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I have learnt that in my marriage, most often, if one of us is feeling anger towards something which was said, its always best to try and talk it out rather than let it bottle up inside.

Sometimes, things are said in the heat of the moment that isn't really ment. Is it possible your hubby in some way is jealous that your working full time and he has to be the one who stays at home? I don't wish to stereotype men or women, but I know a lot of men, feel its their duty to be the main bread winner.

I often find just talking about how something has made you feel and both try to work through it to get to some sort of resolve helps a lot.

BTW Niddy is spot on, us men have no clue half the time that we have said or done the wrong thing, we need our women to spell it out to us. That's just how we are.

[Inca]

Re: Torn in Two

Hiya Jane
I'm on Marriage number 3 and this time I finally got it right. so don't think 'numbers' think of you.
My first husband..bought a house,got married ,had our son now 26....My son is my world,my heartbeat and my reason for living,,noone comes before him or ever will.

We got on well,,had a car,cat,house......
Then my Mum dies and he shut down on me,physically and emotionally..he just wasn't 'there'
He picked that precise time to have an affair and when I found out I just upped sticks and moved out,,I didn't have the strength to fight for my marriage,I had nothing left to give it..He broke the most sacred bond..trust..not just to me but to our son.
I never went after him for money nor did I make it awkward to see our son....I just stopped caring (bit like you are now)
I knew I'd survive,,it hurt like Hell but heyho.
2nd marriage.........no comment,,,,,it was that bad.

My whole point is......Can you look in the mirror and see a happy woman looking back? Or are you seeing a woman that's being dragged down by unhappiness?
You know you can survive away from your hubby,,do you want to?
Speak to him as Niddy suggested......then make your decision.(although,,tbh,,it will take more than a chat to stop you harbouring resentment over his attitude towards you )
If your marriage is worth saving /fighting for then go for it,,if it's not,then cut the cord quickly and cleanly.

Life is too short to be unhappy,,,,,,,and everyone deserves to be happy

xxxx

[cymruambyth]

Re: Torn in Two

Hi Jayne

You are not a failure, but you do need to talk. Most people go through feelings of regret and dissatisfaction in marriage. As has been said were there underlying reasons or worries for his comments? Were they throw away comments that didn't mean as much to him as you?
You must think of you and how any atmosphere or animosity will affect both you and George. You mustn't harbour bitterness as it hurts everyone.
my oh did things over 20 years ago and we worked through it, but I still harbour bitterness which sometimes eat at me and which he can't understand. We have been together for over 30 years and I still swing from great passion to moments of dislike, with him not realising that when he opens his mouth he forgets what has been said whereas I brood and revisit for no real reason.

[nightwatch]

Re: Torn in Two

Hiya jayne.

as had been said by those before me,try and talk and explain how you feel about some of his comments. I know from past experience it is easer said than done and you may be afraid of what you may hear or not want to hear it said. But that said you will(should ) know where you stand at the end of the conversation.
my OH went through his mid life crisis about 20 years ago (married 35 this year) just as I lost my father,i remember feeling so lost and alone. I do from time to time wonder if I did the right thing in fighting for him, or if I should of let him go, and like Cym I still remember what he did and I resent the fact he seems to have forgotten the hurt he caused, but when I faced him at the time all he said was" I didn't know that's how you felt"
He now knows precisely how I feel if he annoys me and as we are supposed to be retiring to Spain ( have been for the last 4 years but to be honest when he said "we'll be there by christmas" he didn't say what year) I think it's too late to change him.
so have that talk and see how you feel then
I wish you well in whatever you decide. just remember it's no ones fault, Life happens and some times it's crap xxxx

[Inca]

Re: Torn in Two

(sshhhhh,,don't tell anyone I said this but when I look at my boys Dad I think 'Really,? did I actually go there'...Time has NOT been kind to him...when I met him he was a longhaired,motorcycling Hells Angel(,I think I married him to annoy my Dad)....and now he is a combover baldie,,barely a real tooth in his head driving a granny car.......)

[SaltnVinegar]

Re: Torn in Two

Hi Jane

I think first thing to be conscious of is that MOST marriages have good/bad periods. The important thing is to understand what is recoverable and what isn't. Maybe things have just got into a rut or routine and you're both struggling to break free from that. Perhaps you can do something spontaneous together and with George and 'rediscover' what you both love about each other. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture or cost a lot of money. Sometimes something simple like just packing a rucksack with some sandwiches and drinks and going for a walk in the countryside, having a picnic and flying a kite brings everyone closer.

Looking at your original post heres some of my thoughts:

I don't think its any secret that I have a strange family a daughter of 28, a son of 25 and a little one of 5 - my now husband has treated my first two as his own since they were little (8 & 10) and our 5 year old was very much planned and wanted

This as much as anything says to me that there is probably still love here. A lot of men would have ran away (unfortunate though true), taking on a step family is a massive responsibility, brings its own trials and tribulations in addition to the usual 'parental' trials that are presented.

if I'm really honest my marriage leaves me cold!

Have a think about that statement. What is it that leaves you cold? Is it lack of support? Emotional distance? You want different things now? Or is this an argument that has not been resolved (and I don't mean that one 'side' wins or agrees with the other - in any long term relationship something is going to crop up that you're both not going to agree with each other. Whats important is that you can respect each others view and accept that on rare occasions you won't agree. Its when 'rare' becomes 'frequent' that you have to look deeper.

When I was served a SD last year my husband was very judgmental, he who lives in a glass shouldn't throw stones in my opinion - he was lucky enough for me to provide him with a home some 15 years ago when he got into financial difficulties!

I'm going to present a different view here. First 15 years ago is ancient history, its not helpful to either of you to bring this into a discussion, regardless of how hurt his comments are going to make you feel.

With this in mind you may want to consider something else - that because of what happened 15 years ago your husband had placed you on a pedestal, that you were his rock and you frightened and disappointed him and that was his way of expressing it because his expectations of you were so high.

I'm not saying that what he did was 'right' but I'm afraid that men and women REALLY are different and we express our thoughts differently! I'd suggest that to ask a man to express themselves in the way a woman would is again not helpful as most of us simply cannot think in that way!

Also when George was born your husband may have been frightened and worried when you left your job, and, from that experience of 15 years ago was concerned about how the bills would be paid, and that his family may become homeless and again his (mans) reaction to that was to vent off.

I now earn more than him and he is unreliable in paying towards the bills

Have you considered that maybe he feels emasculated by this fact and may have low self esteem because of it. Not saying this is logical but remember men think differently. He may feel low that he cannot support you the way he wants to and you're seeing that frustration.

He was so vile to me when George was just weeks old........I cannot move on from comments made years ago

I guess the big question is he continuing to be vile? Mental abuse is just as unforgivable as physical abuse (and in some respects can be worse as its not 'visible'). But if he isn't, and this is a case of something that has festered for 5 years because you've not had closure, then you need to talk to your husband and explain what is going through your head and work together before you consider separation.

I would also like you consider your thoughts when you think that hubby is 'doing wrong'. Is his behavior really inexcusable (i.e. is actually mental abuse)? Or does he just vent off now and then?

Us blokes express our frustrations differently, we'll blow, have a rant, then its over and forgotten about. Its how we deal with the testosterone. Unless you're a Russian ladies weightlifter taking enhancing substances its difficult to explain..

Just the same as we'll never understand the hormones of the fairer sex. Sometimes my DW will react/make decisions that completely bemuse and infuriate me but I accept thats how she deals with things. What I do notice is that she'll stew over things for days (even weeks), I'll ask whats wrong to be met with the predicted 'nothing' only for it to erupt.

I'm just saying (in a very verbose way) that there is likely to be an angle that you've not thought of. Unless he is a complete @hole, or is spiteful, nasty and hurtful for his own amusement and satisfaction, if you still love and respect each other than you will work through this.

Best of luck

SnV

[tastyjane]

Re: Torn in Two

Thank you all for taking the time to answer me x

I think I/we have several issues to deal with really. We have talked about the conversation that's implanted in my brain, over and over again. My DH had many reasons for saying it at the time, his business was making demands on him and his finances, he has an almost phobic fear of what he views "needy" women (in part due to my MIL's outlook on life!) and in all honesty I think he was pissed off that I might see him as a meal ticket . He very much regrets the wording he used and assures me it meant nothing but to me it's just that thing that pops up every time he forgets to pay his way. I was so upset at the time and although George was well looked after by his Dad I do think I'm not as close to him as I should be as I left him when he was so little . He is a real Daddy's boy often to the exclusion of me and that hurts.

Dave's business is successful and he could pay himself more but chooses to leave money in the business rather than contribute to stuff with me. He doesn't think about food shopping, new bedding etc I just seem to have to sort it or there is nothing in the house!

I do love him and I have told him how I'm feeling but I think he thinks it's me being a drama queen. My first marriage was very traumatic and I ended up on my own with two gorgeous children that needed lots of support due to the mental health issues my ex had. I don't ever want me and Dave to get to that point that we hate each other, but there has to be more to life than this

It doesn't help Dave's business is such that he works evenings and weekends so we have very little time together . I think I need to add some fun into our relationship and work harder to talk to him rather than let it all well up and end up shouting! I too do that "nothing" thing when I really mean I want to rip your bollocks off

thanks again everyone

jane x

[PriorityOne]

Re: Torn in Two

Thank you all for taking the time to answer me x

I think I/we have several issues to deal with really. We have talked about the conversation that's implanted in my brain, over and over again. My DH had many reasons for saying it at the time, his business was making demands on him and his finances, he has an almost phobic fear of what he views "needy" women (in part due to my MIL's outlook on life!) and in all honesty I think he was pissed off that I might see him as a meal ticket . He very much regrets the wording he used and assures me it meant nothing but to me it's just that thing that pops up every time he forgets to pay his way. I was so upset at the time and although George was well looked after by his Dad I do think I'm not as close to him as I should be as I left him when he was so little . He is a real Daddy's boy often to the exclusion of me and that hurts.

Dave's business is successful and he could pay himself more but chooses to leave money in the business rather than contribute to stuff with me. He doesn't think about food shopping, new bedding etc I just seem to have to sort it or there is nothing in the house!

I do love him and I have told him how I'm feeling but I think he thinks it's me being a drama queen. My first marriage was very traumatic and I ended up on my own with two gorgeous children that needed lots of support due to the mental health issues my ex had. I don't ever want me and Dave to get to that point that we hate each other, but there has to be more to life than this

It doesn't help Dave's business is such that he works evenings and weekends so we have very little time together . I think I need to add some fun into our relationship and work harder to talk to him rather than let it all well up and end up shouting! I too do that "nothing" thing when I really mean I want to rip your bollocks off

thanks again everyone

jane x

Hi Jane..... women are capable of hanging onto certain phrases for years whereas men tend not to. If hubby's business was high pressure around the time he said those things I suspect that it would have drained him and left him with little time to consider someone else's feelings. I know someone like this and the pressure of running a business can be intense and constant. That's not an excuse for his behaviour towards you; just an explanation of how some men react when their backs are against the wall with work.


Reading your posts, there does seem to be an ego issue here; perhaps more than one. It could be that he resents your earning potential due to feeling like a "meal ticket" years ago.... but anyway.... my advice to you would be to re-phrase how you're talking to him so it's absolutely clear what it is you want to change.


Say what you want and not how you feel. Saying what you want is not the same as saying how you feel which is what women tend to do but it doesn't give men anything tangible that they can change..... and because they can't "see" what needs to be changed..... they perceive it as nagging or being "a drama queen" as you put it. So, if you want him to contribute more towards household things for example, try and say it as it is without adding feelings into the mix..... not for now anyway. Maybe a joint household account might work well for you both? Just a suggestion....


It might help to make an actual list of all the things you want and go from there..... xx

[SXGuy]

Re: Torn in Two

My wife has to remember all the things we need for the house and baby, if it was left up to me she would prob be wearing clothes that are too small for her and going hungry, that's not because I don't care, its just that women tend to think more about whats important, whereas men tend to focus on one thing and don't quite remember the other bits that need to be done.

Sometimes its easier all round, if were just told what needs to happen.

I think the biggest argument my wife and I have is, she doesn't want to have to tell me, I should just know, but im afraid the reality is most men do need telling.

We have found, to save arguments, its easier to just say, X amount needs to be put in a joint account every month, to cover things as well as a bit extra for stuff that may crop up. That way, you don't feel like your always asking, and theres always enough there to do with how you see fit.

I think keeping money in the business instead of increasing his wage on the face of it seems a little unfair, but there could be a underlying reason, perhaps hes worried about not meeting a business payment and likes to keep some as a reserve incase, maybe hes putting aside the tax that he thinks will be due. I don't know, but what it does seem like to me, I there is a few things that appear on the face of it, to be stuff that you notice, and assume is for 1 reason, whereas if the question were to be asked, in the right way, may find there is another reason for it.

I don't know your relationship or situation, all I do know is, 9 times out of 10, the reasons why my wife and I argue mostly, is because of lack of communication.