CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

[swanfan]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Oh to have a lawn like that Handy.

Bloody impossible with 2 hairy arsed labs charging over my lawn.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Oh to have a lawn like that Handy.

Bloody impossible with 2 hairy arsed labs charging over my lawn.

Hi Swanny, I have 2 Labs and 2 Border Terrier Bitches, The Dogs only kill the lavender, but Bitch piss will burn the lawn faster than petrol.

I only take photos from and angle that don't show the brown patches. Lady Hooray thinks it's a fungal infection killing the grass, well at leat that's what I tell her.

At least I have managed to train the Lab's to go in the long grass, the terriers will crap anywhere Normally where her Ladyship walks. (Well done Dogglies )

More grass cutting tomorrow, only the top and side lawns to go this week.

Regards, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.




Just before I finish for the night, I thought I would leave you with some gardening terms used here at Hooray Hall by Lady Hooray.
She knows everything there is to know about gardening.
It is only true if you read it in the Times Gardening Supplement or Country Life.

Whippy Whoppy, means Cascading or in her Ladyships opinion should be left un pruned and wild.

Drippy Droppy, a plant that tumbles such as Aubrietia.

Roundy Poundy, Something she wants pruning into a globe or ball.

Stripy Stripey, the lines left on the lawn by the roller.

Cookie, one of her terriers has left a turd on the lawn.

I would love you to, this means I am going to give you an order, disobey at your peril.

Ballsy Wallsey, a term muttered by a pissed off Handyman with selective hearing.

[findingaway]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I used to work with someone who thought she SHOULD have been a lady..... she used to have "hooty tooty moments" (laughing), "feasty weasty weekends" (stuffed herslef - she looked like she did too ) & when she made a mistake it was a "booby wooby" but it was never her "faulty waulty". Where do these people hail from??? She lived in some African state for 20 yrs with hubbys jobby wobby & had man servants & sent her 2 daughters back to England for their education (Boarding school) she must've mixed with some real Hoorays & picked up the lingo She used to tell me that when they were going her Dad didn't want them to sell-up but they needed the money, so after being there a couple of yrs he sold his house to them for 20% of it's worth so long as they could live there, by the time she came back back to good old blighty her parents had died & they moved in but she got annoyed at her older siblings thinking they could just walk in (to the house that all their lives they had!) so they rented it out & bought a new one (with no mortgage) but she couldn't see why her siblings were annoyed she used to get tearful that they accused her of benefitting from their Dad when she had more money than the lot of them. She had to work she said as they really couldn't afford to live on 1 wage! (no dependent kids, 2 houses no mortgages & rental money coming in) She used to make us all sicky-wicky with her moansPS The hedge looks lovely FAW

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi All, Hi FAW. Do I know the Lady you mentioned?
Defo one of the Hooray's or a close relation.

I have met a lot of these ex colonial types. (Lady H spent time in Africa as well) If they like it so much why didn't they stay there!

Our Local Colonial type is Brigadier Loude Voices wife. She goes on about how great it was in the colonies. Hubby wasn't a Brigadier ( I think he was a major in the Pay Corps) the nearest he got to action was sharpening his pencil. I didn't think Catterick was in the Colonies..

Regards to all, back after I have finished grass cutting.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi all, Today I was standing by the wildlife pond when our Grass Snake popped out for a drink and a feed. It’s about 2 feet long and scared the shine out of me. I am always careful when weeding under the hedges as we often get adders down here. Now if there’s one thing that Handy hates it’s Snakes.

Back in 1993 my Engineer unit was sent on to the US of A on a training exercise. The plan was that we would teach our colonial cousins how to properly repair Aircraft Runways and set up Defensive Perimeters.

The Army in it’s wisdom decided we would go in May at the start of Summer in the Southern States. The USAF in their wisdom decided we would do less damage if sent to Georgia and Florida.

We were issued with Tropical uniform and Artic Sleeping Bags. The United States Hercules transport aircraft sent to collect us. Refuelled in Iceland and then Flew over the Artic Circle. At 30,000 feet we were huddled together looking like refugees from it Ain’t Half Hot while trying to keep from freezing. After another stop in Halifax Nova Scotia we arrived in Southern Georgia, a journey of @ 36 hours.

We were straight off the plane into 90+ degrees. It was like walking into an oven.
We had landed near Fort Beauregard. A place made famous by the Film Southern Comfort. Snake and Gator infested swamps. The camp were taken to resembled something out of the old MASH films. Permanent tents with plywood floors and walls with canvas sides to roll up during the heat of the day.

The first briefing we received concerned the local wildlife, apparently there were 23 types of Snakes to be found locally, 20 of which were poisonous and 3 which would crush you to death. The local spiders were also to be avoided as a bite though not fatal would cause great pain and swelling.

We were also told that the temperature in the day would reach 100F on the Runways and the Night Time temperature would not drop below the mid 70’s.
A great test for our Artic Sleeping Bags designed to keep you toasty warm at -15.

We were told not to hang our boots from the roof of the tents as nasties could still crawl into them. The best thing to do was to put your boots on the end of your camp bed under the Mosquito net.

What Mosquito net we don’t need them in the Artic. Handy had the idea of turning the thin nylon sleeping bag liner inside out and with some parachute cord tied to the roof to pull it into shape this made a small but functional Mozzie net.

That night, I stuffed my boots into the bottom of my bag and exhausted climbed in dressed for bed the way Adam intended.
Laying inside the open sleeping bag it was just tolerable.

In the early hours I woke up in a cold sweat. I could feel something round string like under my calves. Thinking back to the briefing we had been told it wasn’t unknown for snakes to creep under the net and get into bed with you to share your body heat.

I lay there petrified for what seemed like an eternity. It didn’t move and neither did Handy.

I had been told that a Diamond Back Rattlesnake could move faster than 1/60th of a second. I decided if I had to I could move faster than that.

Jump dive get away and Handy landed on the floor in a tangled heap mummified in his sleeping bag liner. One of the chaps got a torch and came over to see what the commotion was.

There’s a Snake in my pit (Bed) I said, it got under my legs. My mate laughed,
Handy you silly Barsteward he said. You were asleep on your boot laces.

The next evening Dunc one of our mechanics was walking back from the showers in the dark just wearing a towel, he stood on a Black snake (harmless) but it wrapped around his leg like a spring and stuck its head right into his crotch. Hopping on one leg his flip flop went one way the towel shot the other, a few shakes later the snake shot into the air. Immediately there was a flash of lightening and a thunder clap. The chap stood next to me watching this was an American Indian, He said to Dunc “we need you on our reservation, that’s the best rain dance I’ve ever seen”.

OK call me Pratt, but I really don’t like Snakes.

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Awww bless you, you did make me laugh though Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi All, Its was early start for Handy this Sunday morning.
If thought if I can get through half of the jobs I have lined up today I will have done well.
Painting Windows, Planting Tubs, Laying a New Lawn in the Orchard and sorting out my garage were on the to do list.

Didn’t do too badly, managed to re pot my fig tree and get some bedding plants into tubs, and by the end of the day get prepared a new 6 X 12 level terrace in the Orchard. Once I have re seeded it will be a nice level area for the new Table and Chairs.


Its turned into a one day weekend as I worked most of yesterday for Lady H. I took an afternoon off last week to take Mrs Handy to the Hospital and the deal was I would work Saturday Morning to play catch up. One of the jobs involved stacking 2 tons of Logs, then she wanted me to clip the coats of her 2 terriers. Make sure you cut their Wiggly Wagglies into Bobbly Wobblies she said.
(Clip their tails into round ends) . Their Terriers I said not blinking Poodles.

When the Logs were delivered I had a chat to Grizzly the Lumberjack. I have described him before but for those who haven’t met him yet, he is well over 6 foot, has long bright red hair and a red beard that comes halfway down his chest. He is the only man I know can swing two 14 Lb felling axes one in each hand at the same time. He’s a real local and talks with a West Country Burr, and between the Zider, Whurrs it too thern and Ower Yorndurr he can de difficult to understand sometimes. If you put him in a Kilt it would look like he had just walked off the set of Brave heart.

His fondness for his old boss and our neighbour, The Honourable Tarquin Fod - Scrotum is well known.:gunman:

Well things with the neighbours have been quiet since the end of last year, when the Fod - Scrotums sacked the Farm Management company that were running the estate as the reckoned they were charging them two much money, in reality with about four Fod - Scrotum families all taking a living from the estate there probably wasn’t enough money coming in to pay the Management company. I did here that they were relieved to be released from the contract.

Shortly after this happened, Tarquins wife the Honourable Jennifer took over the running of the Estate, Now there’s someone who knows less about farming than her husband. I think I once mentioned how I first met them. I was wheeling my barrow across the courtyard one morning when they rode in on two great big white Hunters, Hold our Harzes while we visit the Lady of the house said Tarquin, I thought hold them yourself, you Perv! For 45 minutes I was stood there until in the end I tied one up and took the other for a quick Cantor across the back meadow. (you can add professional groom to another of my qualifications).

The next time I met the Honourable Jennifer was on the single track road on the other side of the valley. We met head on and she was only 10 yards past a pull in. We sat there for nearly 10 minutes both of us refusing to move, I would have had to back nearly ¼ of a mile so I wasn’t budging. Eventually when I started to edge forward the got the message that I wasn’t going to tug the forelock and bow and retreated to the pull in.

Now where is all this leading? Well last autumn they began to put all the tenants rents up, Grizzly had an argument with them about the rent on his barn. Jennifer came round to see him and told him to clean his area up, It’s disgusting she said, it will give people a bad impression of us. If you don’t put it straight she said I will have you evicted, the place looks like a scrap yard.

Well he said, see the pile of mouldy chaff, the old oil tank, the pile of rubble in the corner over there and all the scrap at the back of the grain store. Yes she said it has to be cleaned up, well do it your self he told her it’s nothing to do with me, It’s all yours.

Grizzly told me that he’s looking for new premises, he also lives in an Estate cottage, Fod -Scrotum won’t do any repairs (his is another one with a tarpaulin covered roof because the thatch has rotted). And now The Honourable Tarquin has stopped the council bin lorry coming up his lane to collect his rubbish, he now has to put it in a trailer and take it to the roadside. Oive had enough he said If I don’t get out now Oi will do something that man will regret.
Now I know of two other tenants who have had their marching orders recently. Both had cottages and businesses on the Estate and they have been forced out.

Someone else I know who rents a barn for storage saw a light on late one evening in the estate offices, as he had a check to drop in he thought he would take his chance. He caught Jennifer Fod - Scrotum and the new Estate Manager playing photographers and assistants. Apparently she was sat in his lap saying that’s developing nicely.

And at this point Handy will close this chapter, there’s more to follow, as this all ties in with something else I heard the other day. Who say’s Emmerdale is fiction.

Regards all, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Good Evening all, the end of another 14 hour day. Handy has just put his paintbrush away and is having a cold one before bedtime.

continuing with last nights story of life in the country and our neighbours the Fod - Scrotums.
Last week Lady H told me that our other neighbour Brigadier Loude Voice had been asked to join the board of the Scrotum’s estate and help to advice them on raising money.

My thought was that this would be a case of the blind leading the blind. After leaving the Army the Brigadier went into some sort of retailing. His wife imports beads and carvings from Sri Lanka and sells them on eBay or through a network of agents. To hear them talk it’s a big corporation, that’s why they call in at the hall most Friday evenings to scrounge a drink. Sun downer as they call it).

Then a few days ago Lady Hooray had a girl call round to measure and make some new cushions and covers for head boards. If you are really posh you don’t buy your soft furnishings you go to Harrods or John Lewis for the fabric at £500 per bolt and then pay the same again to have your pillowslips and duvet covers made for you.

The Girl (you always refer to them that way even if they are older than you) told her she had been working at the Fod - Scrotums Home Farm for the last month making Curtains, Bedding, Soft Furnishings and her sister a furniture restorer had been repairing and making good all the Furniture.

She told Lady H that the Scrotums were planning to rent out the Home Farm House for 6K per month.

Now Lord Hooray’s Grandfathers house was advertised in Country Life recently for a rent of 6k per month, but that stands in its own grounds of 120 acres, has 2 swimming pools, a tennis court and it’s own Helipad.

A bit different from Home Farm that is surrounded by factory units in converted barns, a garden that hasn’t seen attention for years and a drive that takes you trough a caravan park.

I think they have been watching a bit to much country house rescue. The buzz is that someone has lent them some cash, as an investment. I think I stand more chance of getting back the money that I loaned my Stepson than their benefactor has of seeing a return on his.

Did I mention that the Honourable Tarquin was educated at the same School as the Prime Minister?
I think I can see some parallels here.

Regards all, Handy.

[findingaway]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

ooo you do work in high circles....

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

ooo you do work in high circles....

I can't work out whether or not it's High Friends in Low Places or Low Friends in High Places?

All I can tell you for certain is I won't be getting invited to any of their Dinner Parties, unless it's to buttle for them. ( Pee soup for starters). Come the Revolution.

I have known one or two of the so called landed gentry who would do anything they could to help their tenant's and workers.

Anyway enough of the Fod - Scrotums, Handy got his neighbors garden toped today, 2 hours to nuke it! Grass cut and edges strimmed. Paths tidied and the veg patch leveled. My back tells me I have had a good day. (creek and ouch). I won't be touching my toes for a day or 3.

Anyway lady H has gone away for a few days, Son Cromwell is driving her. By the time we had loaded the car for a two hour Safari, he muttered to me "I doubt very much whether I shall still be talking to her by the time we get there". If one has to go on a journey, (to the next county) one must be prepared. Maps, Compass, Rugs, Picnic Hamper, 6 Bottles of Red, Starting Handle?

You would fall over laughing at the fuss. Then the dogs have to have sea legs tablets to keep
stop them from barking. I told her only give what the vet prescribes, she insisted I went to the chemist for some and they refused to sell them to me when I told them what they were for. She would be better taking them herself and leaving the dogs to do their own thing.

Some one sent me an email the other day in which they said it is impossible to lick your own elbow, when I get out of traction can anyone tell me if they can manage this trick.

Wonder if it's the trick or a viagra cup cake which has given me this stiff neck.

Regards to all, Handy.

[Angelic]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy...where are you? It's been 3 days since you updated!

[MustGetStraigh]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I think Mrs Hooray is making him work in the garden - spring is truly sprung so she's probably got hundreds of jobs lined up for him.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I think Mrs Hooray is making him work in the garden - spring is truly sprung so she's probably got hundreds of jobs lined up for him.

Spot on on that one, plus kid sis is visiting. I will try to update tomorrow.
Regards all, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi all, lots to tell but not enough time to write it all down yet. As I said yesterday my kid sis is down for a few days with her OH and 4 Border Collies. That makes 8 dogs in all in our cottage at the moment. Its unbelievable how they all get on together. A little snapping and snarling for the first 5 minutes and then once the pecking order is sorted out they are better guests than some of the two legged ones we have had.

Going walkies is great fun, the local rabbit population has gone underground, and Shadow my Ex Feral cat is approaching with care. She normally stands her ground with any dog, (even comes on walks with my 4) but the sight of 4 more black and white horrors approaching at speed sends her running for the nearest tree.

I keep trying to get a phot of all 8 sat together, but I recon that the only way that will happen is if I superglue their asses to the floor. If I manage it I will post the picture up here. When they go home I recon I will have 1/2 a ton of dog hair to vac up but Hey Ho.

Lady Hooray isn't happy about me having so many dogs here. At least I clean up after my own, I don't have a Handyman to do it for me. Any way tomorrow is colonoscopy day. I think that tomorrow morning she will be to washed out to complain.

If I were her I would be leaving a bog roll in the fridge to cool down ready for morning.

For now regards to you all, Handy.