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  • ex wants more maintenance

    :hello
    ex has asked me for more money. now i dont want my (2) kids to be without anything and i appreciate they get more expensive as they get older and to be fair to her - she isnt the wasteful type. BUT she has recently got a new car and doesnt work anymore (married).
    So i guess what i am asking for is a way i can provide more without increasing the amount. for example, if they need a new pair of shoes for school, let me know so i can take them to choose and pay for them at the same time. Or if the elder one is going to the cinema i can wire him 10 to pay for the ticket.
    Does this sound reasonable? thanks for looking.
    When Gold isn't enough, there is SA Gold! New to the forum and find the UE route a bit scary? Take a look at my diary here and judge for yourself. I am now saving the money each month that was making little difference to the balance and not a bit of difference to my credit file as a result of finding AAD.



    I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

    If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

  • #2
    Re: ex wants more maintenance

    That's a tricky one (speaking as an "ex").

    The difficulty is when a father (or mother) buys the treats and the child knows that, there's an element of Father Christmas about it.

    We "exs" get pissed off with the kids thinking their father is the Good Guy because he pays for all the fun stuff like trips to the cinema and cool trainers, while poor Mum can be seen as the Bad Guy because she puts them on the naughty step or grounds them when they've misbehaved. It can create an imbalance.

    A lot will depend on what formal maintenance arrangement you currently have, if any.

    When you say your ex "doesn't work anymore" I would argue that being a full-time mother is work



    Plan B x

    PS check out my signature below to know why I'm the wrong person to comment
    I don't give advice, I share wisdom. Whenever the chips are down there's always a Plan B

    I'm a fully qualified mother which is the hardest exam I've ever sat. I have other more formal qualifications which are less important


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    • #3
      Re: ex wants more maintenance

      thanks PlanB, you make a fair point. noted. thanks
      When Gold isn't enough, there is SA Gold! New to the forum and find the UE route a bit scary? Take a look at my diary here and judge for yourself. I am now saving the money each month that was making little difference to the balance and not a bit of difference to my credit file as a result of finding AAD.



      I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

      If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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      • #4
        Re: ex wants more maintenance

        How old are your children? Are they old enough to have an allowance from Dad which they can spend on what they want/need? It would teach them the art of budgeting and take the financial pressure off their mother at the same time

        If they're too young then give them pocket money instead of an allowance.

        My "ex" offered our daughter a car for her 18th birthday which she turned down. I think it was a loyalty issue with her - she didn't want to be seen as taking sides. She had seen how devastated I was at the divorce with her own eyes (I must have cried for about five years after it).

        Kids are emotional creatures who attach a lot of baggage to the aftermath of their parents' split. They read into things too much especially at the hormones stage.

        Plan B x
        I don't give advice, I share wisdom. Whenever the chips are down there's always a Plan B

        I'm a fully qualified mother which is the hardest exam I've ever sat. I have other more formal qualifications which are less important


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        • #5
          Re: ex wants more maintenance

          hi planb, thanks for posting back. 9 and 14. the eldest has got his own bank account and i have offered to wire him money so he can choose things like clothes and will save her the hassle of taking stuff back he doesnt want. could do the same with the younger one too- or do you think he is too young?
          thanks
          SA
          When Gold isn't enough, there is SA Gold! New to the forum and find the UE route a bit scary? Take a look at my diary here and judge for yourself. I am now saving the money each month that was making little difference to the balance and not a bit of difference to my credit file as a result of finding AAD.



          I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

          If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: ex wants more maintenance

            Originally posted by SA Gold View Post
            9 and 14. the eldest has got his own bank account and i have offered to wire him money so he can choose things like clothes and will save her the hassle of taking stuff back he doesnt want. could do the same with the younger one too- or do you think he is too young?
            The 14 year old is definitely old enough to learn to handle a bank account but the 9 year old probably isn't. Mind you my daughter is 29 and she's hopeless with money which is why I'm still paying her mobile phone bill and car insurance

            I do think it would be a good to run the idea passed their mother to avoid any tension or misunderstandings. If you 'sold' it to her on the basis of teaching the kids money management at an early age, that would dodge any suspicion of Father Christmas Syndrome.

            I also think it may help to make it a regular defined payment not a payment on demand for something. If they fancy a 50 pair of trainers they may have to save up for three months.

            My daughter was encouraged to take a Saturday job to add to her pocket money/allowance. She seemed to cherish the things which she bought with "her" money more than anything else.

            Plan B x
            I don't give advice, I share wisdom. Whenever the chips are down there's always a Plan B

            I'm a fully qualified mother which is the hardest exam I've ever sat. I have other more formal qualifications which are less important


            Comment


            • #7
              Re: ex wants more maintenance

              Hi SA Gold...another "ex" here. How well do you get on with your ex? Could you discuss with her what she thinks would be the best way. I agree with PlanB in giving them an allowance/spending money for them to save up for things they want as that would help them to learn the value of things rather than you being the parent that gives them what they want and your ex being the one who has to do the everyday parenting stuff.

              All four of mine have paid for their own mobile phones and car insurances since they were 18...and they're all better with money than I am, or should I say was. I think my having got into debt has set them an example...of what not to do!
              Let your smile change the world but don't let the world change your smile


              I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

              If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: ex wants more maintenance

                Hi, Sorry for the delay in replying to this. I agree that an allowance is the way forward. Will speak with her about it.
                Thanks again.
                Cheers
                SA
                When Gold isn't enough, there is SA Gold! New to the forum and find the UE route a bit scary? Take a look at my diary here and judge for yourself. I am now saving the money each month that was making little difference to the balance and not a bit of difference to my credit file as a result of finding AAD.



                I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

                Comment

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