i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

[Spent2much]

I have no peace at all really, no wonder I suffer anxiety and panic, I was about to go clean my parents house yesterday when my dad phoned to say mum is ill in bed with a stomach bug, I feel terrible because my anxiety of getting it caused me not to go round, and then today my dad phoned me to say mum is still ill and that the cooker has stopped working, he asked me to go round and help him I couldn't as its an electric cooker and I know nothing about electrics, my husband was work and is ill himself been awake for two nights coughing . So I phoned my brother who I was told not to bother as he had just finished nights , but why should the burden be on me and my husband when my husband does 52 hours a week at the moment , I phoned my eldest brother and he went round to see if he could fix the cooker , he couldn't so my dad phoned me again to give Age Uk a call see if they could help, I did but no answer , so my dad is at home without a cooker although my niece took him a shepherds pie round for his dinner, but I feel useless and feel burdened having to take all this on , I love my parents but I am not enjoying life at all knowing they are both ill and most of the burden is put on me and my husband.

My husband has his mum to think about now his dad has just died and yet my parents don't see this , they think we should just drop everything and take them everywhere .

I might sound selfish but I don't want to be like this for the next 10 or so years it seems so unfair .

rant over sorry

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

feel like moving out of town so I am not burdened anymore

[nightwatch]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hi S2M,

so sorry you feel so depressed and down but it's not supprising ,your not well, hubbys ill, recent berevement, time of year, it gets to all of us sometimes, even me.

Do your family know you are ill, are you seeing the Dr about your panic attacks, if so does he know you look after your parents? if not tell him and let him know your struggleing he may be able to point you in the direction for some help. Do your parents have any outside help, social services, Home Care? could they afford a cleaner once a week/fortnight,[not one from an agency they can cost a fortune] I know your Dad hasn't been well just wondered if any help was offered at the time,,is there any chance you could get all the family together and try and work out a rota for them all to take a turn at going to see Mum + Dad.

We had to do this as every thing was falling onto our eldest daughter as she lived near to her nan,in M/C but it meant she was putting her own life on hold,
Her BF lived in Sheffield and wanted her to move in with him, she wouldn't go because she was worried about her Nan managing without her,and every thing falling on to me.I was working cleaning 6 days a week and had an evening job aswell.Mr NW had a quiet chat with her and that set the ball in motion.Daughter is a born orginiser so she set to and contacted all the family asking them what time they could commit to looking after their Nan, even if it was 1 phone call a week to have a chat [mostly one way as she is hard of hearing] She even plucked up the courage to tell my elder brothers Partner that she was annoyed that they could run round after her son's but couldn't find time to help her with HIS Mother,
so the rota began and daughter moved in with BF
Daughter phones her every week, visits every other week, and sorts/pays bills and letters
My neice visits one weekend a month for Cleaning and shopping, she works full time + lives in wales so has a long drive to Manchester
I go one weekend a month for a BIG shop, sort bills and letters and if off work will call in during the month to deep clean take her to opticians etc...
Hubby used to work in the Fire Station down the road from Mum so would call in for a brew as he came off nights +do the garden
My Brother and his mouth piece do hospital appointments as they are both retired [this is when they are not on holiday or busy with her sons,who are both in their 40s]
and I do the 25 mile panic run when we all phone each other because she hasn't answered the phone in the past hour, get there and she is sat reading the paper while the phone rings beside her [we have now got her a phone that connects to a unit which rings and flashes when the phone does or the doorbell rings, but she thinks the doorbell is ringing every time and answers that first]

and the rest of the family turn up adhock mainly on birthdays if you get my drift

this is just a thought, as I do understand how you are feeling and sometimes knowing someone else has been there helps,
Please take care sorry if the message sounds bossy

[Pixie]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Your post doesn't sound at all bossy NW...it's a very helpful post.

Unfortunately, caring for elderly/ill relatives often falls to one person...because they are such loving, caring people.

If you have 2 brothers S2M then it's only fair that they make their contribution in looking after your parents...do they think it's your duty because you're the only daughter?

Its good that you feel comfortable enough here that you can unburden yourself

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hi NW and Pixie, thank you for replying,

Everything you have both said is correct, my brothers have hinted that as the daughter it is me that should be doing the cleaning and running around and if any repairs need doing its them, i don't mind cleaning and don't mind doing some shopping in fact me and hubby went round today and did some shopping for them at Sainsbury's , its the way we are i guess we cant help it.

I don't know if my brothers are aware that i am having panic and anxiety i think they assume it is just one of those things that little sis has a problem from being a little girl, but i do want them to have more input in taking care of our parents, i know this will sound horrible but we have a four bedroom house with two bathrooms and my brothers hint that our parents can come live here , well i couldn't cope with that i know i couldn't as my dad has temper tantrums through frustration and i mum is quite difficult at times, so i dont want them living here and certainly not while one of my brothers is on about retiring to Cyprus . I told my mum no way is everything being left me and my husband while he goes to Cyprus thats not fair .

Nightwatch i am under the doctor for the anxiety although she isn't aware that i care for my parents , my mum did mention about me being a carer but that would mean us losing working tax credits and we rely on that money especially now i am not working at the moment, hubby phoned tax credits and told them i am ill and receiving counselling and is there any other benefit we could claim , the answer was NO only to apply for disabled benefit or whatever it is, but i am not physically disabled its a mental problem and like my doctor said , its easy to dismiss as it cannot be seen like a physical problem , i am seeing a counselor 28th of this month i'm panicking about that as i find it difficult to speak to strangers i get panic lol, my doctor wants me to go back and see her next week so i will mention about the stress of looking after my parents.

My parents have applied for a few things and been turned down, my dad was supposed to go for a day at a centre to give my mum a break but that was accepted then turned down . They can't have a wetroom as my dad isn't in a wheelchair , the list and excuses go on and on.

When i went to my parents today with hubby they had an electric blow heater on as the gas fire isn't working either , but my brother is going tomorrow to try and fix it , if not he is phoning a gas fitter to look at it and also my mums water boiler which is dodgy, (they were going to have a new fitted FREE , but their is under 7 years old ) rip off if you ask me, my parents are 78 and 80 both seriously ill and not getting the care they so need, i think my mum is so worn out looking after my dad its worrying me also.

Seems there is no help for my parents

[cymruambyth]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hi, there is help for your parents, it's just finding the right place to get the support. You need to tell your doctor as she may know where to get support. We had a care package for my father through the local council; we met with a social worker, filled in loads of paperwork and had reviews.
as for your parents moving in , no no no. After mum died dad used to have tantrums but all the family knew that him moving in would destroy a marriage! He seemed to forget that he accused my grandfather of all sorts of things because he moved in to my parents home ........ And he was a much easier person!

[SXGuy]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

I kinda know how you feel, when my dad died i was left to pick my mum up, she relied on him alot, and when he was gone, all she had was me. My brother had his own family and quite frankly couldnt give a shit about me or her, so it was left to me to deal with.

I used to get frustrated as well because it seemed like my life was to give her one, and mine wasnt relevent.

However, what i can say is, after repeatedly explaining to my mum that it was time to become more independant, she now doesnt rely on me as much. She still needs me, as she doesnt drive etc, but i have my own life also, and she understands that its a bit of give and take.

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

had the ambulance to mum this morning at 5.30 , dehydrated and still vommitting , i've been down to look after them, i also phoned the GP and told them she needs a home visit they are sending the doctor out before lunch after surgery. I phoned age uk who gave me 3 electrician numbers they dont fix appliances, my brother got the fire working and has ordered a new therma cupple he is doing that tomorrow and he is asking an electrician at work to fix the cooker .
I have got my dad chatting to me on facebook chat now i set his ipad homepage for chat so at least he isn't bored now and is getting better at typing .

[nightwatch]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hi S2M
sorry Mum is so poorly, are they claiming everything they are entitled to as they could be able to get extra for help at home, you need to point out to their Dr that you are ill and cannot do it all.
Many parents wont admit to getting old and not being able to manage, or say MY daughter will do that, because theh either don't want strangers in their home or are frightened that if they say they can't cope one or both will be whisked off to a home.
My Mum did exactly that and it was only because one of us was there when someone came to see how she was managing after a spell in hospital, that they knew none of us lived in Manchester, she had told them we all lived local, They arranged for someone to call in once a day for 3 weeks to help her shower and make sure she had something hot to eat and drink. She didn't like this but we all told her she had to go along with it, she quite missed them when they stopped

hope all is ok with Mum NWx

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hi S2M
sorry Mum is so poorly, are they claiming everything they are entitled to as they could be able to get extra for help at home, you need to point out to their Dr that you are ill and cannot do it all.
Many parents wont admit to getting old and not being able to manage, or say MY daughter will do that, because theh either don't want strangers in their home or are frightened that if they say they can't cope one or both will be whisked off to a home.
My Mum did exactly that and it was only because one of us was there when someone came to see how she was managing after a spell in hospital, that they knew none of us lived in Manchester, she had told them we all lived local, They arranged for someone to call in once a day for 3 weeks to help her shower and make sure she had something hot to eat and drink. She didn't like this but we all told her she had to go along with it, she quite missed them when they stopped

hope all is ok with Mum NWx

Hi, thank you for that , i couldnt stay and wait for the doctor to visit as i had been at my parents since 5.30 this morning and when it got to 11 i came home as i needed to put some washing in and do a bit of cleaning , my dad is okay but really he shouldn't be left alone at all and this is from the specialist because of his Parkinson's so why they think they can both manage okay is beyond me, they are not entitled to a wet room as i said before my dad isn't in a wheelchair and he was going to go for a days rest bite , but then they said he couldn't but if he would like to go to another centre its only £40 for the day and he would have to take a taxi to get there, they were going to get a new water heater as theirs is breaking down all the time , but guess what ? theirs isn't ove 7 years old so they cant have one and it was going to free, seems so stupid doesn't it .

oops repeated myself

[Elsie52]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

I know just how you feel S2M.....and it could be me writing your post......My parents are in their 80's, and are financially able to have a cleaner come around at least twice a week.....they could also afford decorators, home meals delivery etc....but they will NOT.!!! Neither me or my sister have succumbed to doing the cleaning yet, and we are digging our heels in, not to be awkward but we both have illnesses that my parents are totally ignoring. I am over 60 and have angina, I also have panic attacks and they are brought on by stress and tiredness. My sister is recovering from cancer, but I know my mum and dad are angling after us doing everything for them instead of getting someone in to do the chores. I think that they are of the generation where its expected that daughters will do all these things for them in their old age......so where does that leave me....a mother of 3 sons.!!! I feel that parents can be really selfish........my mum is always saying that she would love to go shopping etc and we have offered to take her in a wheelchair....but she won't entertain that.......but she grumbles when we go shopping on go on holiday, its like they begrudge us having a life.!!! It must be an age thing, but its one thing I shall make sure that I don't do....and that's make my children feel guilty about living their lives.!!

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

I know just how you feel S2M.....and it could be me writing your post......My parents are in their 80's, and are financially able to have a cleaner come around at least twice a week.....they could also afford decorators, home meals delivery etc....but they will NOT.!!! Neither me or my sister have succumbed to doing the cleaning yet, and we are digging our heels in, not to be awkward but we both have illnesses that my parents are totally ignoring. I am over 60 and have angina, I also have panic attacks and they are brought on by stress and tiredness. My sister is recovering from cancer, but I know my mum and dad are angling after us doing everything for them instead of getting someone in to do the chores. I think that they are of the generation where its expected that daughters will do all these things for them in their old age......so where does that leave me....a mother of 3 sons.!!! I feel that parents can be really selfish........my mum is always saying that she would love to go shopping etc and we have offered to take her in a wheelchair....but she won't entertain that.......but she grumbles when we go shopping on go on holiday, its like they begrudge us having a life.!!! It must be an age thing, but its one thing I shall make sure that I don't do....and that's make my children feel guilty about living their lives.!!

This is the case with me a lot of the time , but my brothers think i should be doing nearly everything , well today i have been to my parents house 3 times each time its a 20 minutes walk each way, i have collected and delivered a prescription for my mum as the medication is what is makeing her ill so the doctor changed it all and i had to go collect it for her, i got back at 4.30 and straight into making tea for hubby who is at work at 7 again bless him , my brothers both work shifts but it shouldn't stop them helping my parents, my mum does treat me for cleaning for her but we also take them shopping too which by the time we have finished dropping them off home with their shopping its half of our day off together gone and my parents expect it in fact just before christmas my dad said my husband doesn't do enough for them . I questioned him and he made excuses , but my husband has just lost his dad before christmas and his mum needs looking after too, i feel it isn't fair , my boys have both grown up now and we thought great a bit of freedom , not so lucky though as parents started getting ill and demanding most of our time. I am expected to keep my mobile on 24/7 in case they need us , my brother moans if my phone is off , how can i sleep peacefully knowing i am on call 24/7 ?
My dad moaned this morning saying he was ringing for ages before i answered like i should pick up the phone immediately . Its all too unfair we should be enjoying this time in our lives but its being burdened by sick parents, i will look after them its my nature , but i do feel cheated out of my freedom

[Sosad]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hiya Spent2Much

Sorry to hear your year has just got worse. Talk to your brothers AND their wives (they can help too!!!) explain that you are ill,and just because it's not physical it is still an illness ,your brothers may not have picked up on how badly your suffering so Talk talk talk .it's good for you. Also let them know that your Hubby is ill and trying to cope with his loss plus keep a roof over your heads .

Try and be selfish I know it's hard when it's not in you to be so but try anyway, just to give you and your Husband some quality time,( he may need it just as much as you )


Sending you lots of ((( hugs))) you need them

Sosadxx

[Spent2much]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hiya Spent2Much

Sorry to hear your year has just got worse. Talk to your brothers AND their wives (they can help too!!!) explain that you are ill,and just because it's not physical it is still an illness ,your brothers may not have picked up on how badly your suffering so Talk talk talk .it's good for you. Also let them know that your Hubby is ill and trying to cope with his loss plus keep a roof over your heads .

Try and be selfish I know it's hard when it's not in you to be so but try anyway, just to give you and your Husband some quality time,( he may need it just as much as you )


Sending you lots of ((( hugs))) you need them

Sosadxx

Hi, thank you for the hugs , they really helped , I saw my bother today and we talked about sharing the load along with my elder brother too , my mum has been given different medication as the problem with her being sick was the medication she was on , since it was changed yesterday she is now sat down stairs and has started eating again. I was there today and so was my brother so I think my mum has told them I am having panic and anxiety again and if anyone knows how I suffer it is my brother who I spoke to today because he used to look after me when I was a little girl , things are getting better now xx

[Sosad]

Re: i am finding it a burden looking after my parents now

Hiya Spent2Much


So glad things seem to be settling down , everyone gets a bit stressed over the holiday period. Glad you spoke to your brother and he understands how horrible and frightening these attacks can be .

Take care ,you sound like a good caring person , be kind to yourself.

Sosadxx