CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Morning all

Erm Gerry's post lost this southern lass!

xx

Me too, another bewildered suvverner!

Sorry Folk's, You would have to be brought up on Para Handy and Rab C Nesbitt to understand.
You see Handy's a bit of a Mongrel, Bit of Scotch, Bit of English (Northern si thi) A drop of Welsh and Mrs H say's there has to be a Bit of the Irish in there.

I will post a translation later lol.
Meanwhile I'm having a quick skive before taking a car load of Lady Hooray's news papers to the re-cycle.

3 papers a day and 4 weekend suppliements as well as the FT and several Trade mags. It's all just show, the most she can manage is the cartoons.

Regards all, back later. Handy.

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I heard an auld granny say to a wee yin.

'IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE AH'LL PAWN YE AN' SELL THE TICKET!'

[Gerry]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Morning all

Erm Gerry's post lost this southern lass!

xx

Your a wee rascal loo, I bet you would be able to translate if prize was S & G bundle..

Gerry x x

[Gerry]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

You've bloody spoiled it loo, its no funny reading it in proper english..

"Yer awfy peely-wally lookin Pale, sickly,

"Yer awfy peely-wally lookin the day wis the doaktur roon at your hoose? You look sick was doctor at your house

Naw ah asked mah maw ifakin a huv a piece oh jam fur mha dinnur an she went mental
No I asked my mum if I could have a piece with jam for my dinner and she went mad
Whit happund what happened
goannae gies a swigg oh yer ginger Can I have a drink of your juice

Here but mind nay floaters Don’t put any shite into the juice (crumbs or spit from your mouth)

(Drinks ginger) drinks juice
Ahm scunnered as ma maw saiz a’l skelp yur erse if te huvnay left a slice eh breed an wiz boufin anyway. It gead me the boak.
I’m annoyed as my mum said I’ll smack your arse if you haven’t left a slice of bread, it was horrible anyway it made me feel sick.

Day ye want mah poke ah chips then? Do you want my bag of chips

Nah jistgeeze a toaty bit ah yer chips (Eats chips) no just give me a small bit of your chips
Day ye know Jim the Tim wiz lookin fur yer uncle Frank? Did you know jim the catholic was looking for your uncle frank

Whit? (spits chips oot) whitfurnoo? What, what for now?
Said he wiz a Stoat the baw. Said He was an idiot
Nat fkn danger man! Hez a tube n if he goes near ma maw a’l blooter him masel

No fuc*ing way man, he’s a nutter and if he goes near my mum I’ll beat him up myself
(hands chip poke back)
Jim the tim’s a sleekit fkr an worth a watchin
Jim the catholic is a dodgy fuc*er cant be trusted
Aye but he’s a havering, galckit tadger
He talks a load of rubbish/nonsense, ugly prick
But mind he will tan ye in a square go
But remember he will beat you up in a fight

(laughs) aye right a’l just sick the heed oan him, gies another swigg oh yer ginger
Aye Right I’ll just stick the head on him, give me another drink of your juice

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi all, Hi Gerry your right mate it doesn't do it justice using plain English.
I used to have a similar list that they gave Student English Teachers in South Yorkshire
1-5 They were too posh and wouldn't be understood by the locals.
6-11 They would have to learn the Language.
12-16 They had a future as an English Teacher in the Local Schools.
17+ They have gone Native and need to go back to the Training College.

I'm sure I still have it on and old floppy disc somewhere. If I can find it I will post it up.
Maybe Numpty could translate it.

Naden dee ows da dooin. Haztha gorrit, Ee sez it int int tin.

If me and Mrs Handy want to confuse the locals, (down here thats easy anyway) we just throw in a bit O yorksheere. They all think we talk like Emerdale.

Anyway today has been another quiet one as Her Ladyship has been Sculpting. I was left to sort out the boxes of His Lordships belongings that are going into storage until his sons collect it.

Good Job I checked, I had been told the movers were coming on Tuesday, turns out Her Ladyship had put the wrong date in her diary and they are coming on Monday.

Somehow Pishups and Brewerys spring to mind.

Regards to all, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I mentioned the other day that I used to be in the Territorials, I enjoyed my time with them but was far from a perfect soldier. Mind you the same could be said for a lot of the others in my unit, we were a bunch of misfits straight out of Dads Army.

My mate, Richard (dicky) Hart. Who when on parade in front of the Regimental Sargent Major, got poked in the chest by the RSM's swagger stick. The RSM said " Sapper (private in the Royal Engineers) do you know that there is a piece of Sh1t on the end of my stick". Dicky replied not on my end there isnt Sargent Major".

Also reminds me of when Maggot and myself did our Corporals course, we were the oldest two candidates in the British Army, more like Corporal Jones than proffesional soldiers ( god help the taliban) After two sober weeks they let us loose for a beer or 10.
Next morning the very worse for wear we were inspected by a 2nd leiutenant who we called dip and dazzle because of his ill fitting Army issue glass eye. When exited the pupil would rotate going from cross eyed to a blank white orb, one eye would then inspect the other to make shure it was behaving.

When it was my turn to be inspected he asked "Handy where should your cap badge be". "Over my left eye Sahh" I said. I could allready see the funny side. "Well why isnt it over your left eye like mine is" he said. Handy kept a straight face while the other 19 men in the squad cracked up in giggles and sniggers. Someone at the back, I think it might have been Maggot murmered loud enough for all to hear, but his is back in Aldershot.

We were'nt being cruel, gallows humour is like that. Dip and Dazzle got his own back, Handy and Maggot were running around the parade ground in full kit, guns held above our heads for 3 hours, shouting at the tops of our voices "I am a Pratt".

Nothing changes.
Cheers, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

If anyone wants a taste of what it's like to Live and work with the Hooray's you could do worse than have a look at country House rescue on Channel 4 this evening.

This should give an insight into the kind of people I deal with on a daily basis.

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

No thanks mate
I can guess what they are like
They have TGIF on they're shoes
and still get it wrong

You do a great job
in keeping some of them out of general circulation

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

No thanks mate
I can guess what they are like
They have TGIF on they're shoes
and still get it wrong

You do a great job
in keeping some of them out of general circulation

It's not all bad mate, yesterday evening I heard a car drive into the courtyard. When I went out to see who it was I found Lady Hooray's Daughter Bending over to get a case out of the boot of her car. She had just come from the stables, It was all riding boots and Jodpurs.
As they say in the Horsey set, She has a Good Seat.
Actually she's not as bad as her Mother, she reminds me of Bubbles on Speed. A sort of a cross between a Kangeroo and a Butterfly the way she hops from one subject to another.

Anyway Numpty, how are you doing has Naughty School finished yet?
Cheers, Handy.

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I finish naughty school and work placement (I need to workout the pay per hour on that)
on Friday
wether I've got a minimum paid job on Friday I don't know


At least some perks to your job
Edit to add..
Just worked it out
For the last 4 weeks I have been working(on training) for less than £2 per hour
you can't get an illigal to work for that

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi Numpty, fingers crossed that things turn out the way you want them to. I wish someone would give David Cameron a taste of Naughty School, just so he knows how it feels.
To give you some idea, he went to the same school as Lord Hooray and his Brothers. There is no way that folks like them know how the rest of us live. A council estate is somewhere you avoid unless it's to kiss baby's and open community centers. (that's only when security has cleared the area.)

So as I said fingers crossed that you will be back in the land of self choice before too long.
Regards, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi If, looks like I've been chasing you round cyber space from next door.



You said you could do with a fire, would you like to borrow mine from the Old Pig Sty.
Mind you If I don't catch up with my mate Grizzly the Log Man tomorrow, I will have to resort to cutting down another tree.

Cheers all, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I thought I had better explain who my Mate Grizzly is in the scheme of things around here.

He rents part of the farm next door to the hall, for his Log and Firewood business. He is the only man I know? Who can swing a 14lb felling axe one in each hand, simultaneously. He is a real local and when he speaks you have to listen hard to understand him. “Whurrs it too then? Its art the Zider Farrrm. Ower yoderrrr. Long Red Hair and Beard, he looks like he’s just walked straight of the set of Brave heart.

Now all the land around us is owned by the Local Squire Sir Reginald Fod - Scrotum. (he was in the same year at Lord Hooray's School).

The Fod - Scrotum’s have had free range for the last 3 hundred years, everyone in the local village is a tied tenant. Now Sir Reginald is said to be a gent, but when he retired, he let his son the Honourable Tarquin Fod - Scrotum take over the estate. In the space of just a few years the estate was almost bust.

The thatched cottages in the village all have tarpaulins covering the roofs as there is no money to repair them.

Now Grizzly does (did) some work for the estate, and when he wasn’t paid got into an argument with young Master Tarquin. When the argument got heated he grabbed Grizzly by his giant red beard. (In the fashion taught at Eton when disciplining ones Fag). No messing Grizzly lifted him one handed by the throat and held him till he went blue in the face.
Discretion being the sensible option, Grizzly went straight to Sir Reginald and explained what had happened.

I cut the Boogers wind orf said grizzly.
Idiot Boy, I cant believe he’s one of mine said Sir Reg “you should have held him a little longer”.

That’s one of the reasons why Scrumpy Land is known as the Wild West (country).

Cheers, Handy.

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

To many wierd people down your way mate

[Gerry]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Wee angry guy comes into the cells and said something to his mate that went like this:

Who the fk is Arthur David

Don’t know , why?

Lawyer told me that grass has been down to see Arthur David to give sworn statements against us

(One wee guy breaks away from conversation and shouts to the police officer that opens the cell doors hence the name) Haw turnkey, Haw (starts kicking cell door)

Turnkey: Aye whit is it?

A want tay see ma lawyer

Have you been up to court yet?

Naw

Well you will see him there soon enough so stop kicking the fkn door.

wee guy turns back from door muttering wanker under his breath and resumes conversation

You got yer charge sheet yet?

Naw

If its an indictment am fkd

What else did the lawyer say?

Coz we have been on the run it wont look good fur bail

Whit? We never knew about the fkn thing or else we would huv been back afore noo

Aye save it fur the trial an ah suppose it was only me then?

What ye mean only fkn you? You brought that Arthur fkn David intay it anaw so whit ye oan about noo?

(Door opens and turnkey looks at the one banging the door asks his name and gives out indictment then repeats the same with other accused)

The two men stand in silence reading a two page indictment from car theft to assault and att murder of a police officer by driving a vehicle at him.

Fkn shite man if ah was going to knock him doon a could huv but ah swerved oot his fkn road

Look mate the copper ran oot the road intay the road if ye get me

Aye, so…

Cant see an Arthur David on the papers and the lawyer said that was the most important part of that grass going to see him.

Whit fur?

Ah told ye to gee a fkn another sworn statement

door opens with turnkey nodding to the two and said right boys that’s you’s going up

But we huvnay seen oor lawyers yet

Turnkey: That’s no oor job son c’mon

It turns out that the Arthur David was not a person but a legal term for sworn statement as in “Affidavit” and pronounces in Glaswegian as Affur David or Arthur David.