CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Hi all, Handyman again with another story about my mate Maggot.

As I mentioned in my last tale, after the carrot factory he got a job working as
A Bird Scarer for a civilian company who had the contract to keep birds off the runways at RAF Marham in Norfolk.

Now Maggot was ideal for this job, as an ex RAF store man it only took him a few days to be known all around the Airfield.

His Job involved wearing a gamekeepers outfit, green moleskin trousers, green pullover and driving up and down the runway in a bright yellow 4X4 to keep Seagulls, Starlings Etc away from the Aircraft.

It wasn’t long before the whole Airfield from humble Aircraftmen to Group Captains realised he was a wind up merchant. One day it was payback.

The RAF MT (garage) had just serviced his Jeep, The whole Airfield was on standby as visiting Nato Dignitaries were there to see a full Squadron take off.
12 Tornado Jets taking of 3 at a time.

Maggot was driving thought one of the Aircraft dispersal points, (this is where they get the aircraft ready to move onto the runway). It was a scene from WW2.
Pilots and Ground crew playing cricket, men lying on the grass resting. Flight line operators fuelling the Aircraft and Armourers hanging Rockets from the wings.

Maggot widow down, sleeves rolled up, Rayban Sunglasses on, trying his best to look like Mr Cool, thought it best if he made it look like he was doing his job, so he hit the tape machine in the jeep. It was supposed to play bird fright sounds, like the sound an alarmed Seagull would make. (we used to call it strangled chicken sounds). The idea being at the sounds of alarm any Bird within a mile of the Runway would take fright and scarper.

But instead of the sound of an alarmed Starling coming from the loud speaker at 200 decibels‘, Came a very camp voice, saying “Shoo Shoo get off my Runway you naughty birds, go on Shoo, Pish off Go on Pish Off”. As the Tape was on a loop this message repeated again and again.

Maggot slid down behind the steering wheel as far as he could. As he looked in his rear-view mirror all he could see was 50 or more of the RAF’s finest doubled up with laughter or rolling on the floor. Some one in the MT section had got revenge by recording over his tape.

What goes around comes around, just ask my mate Maggot.
Best wishes to all, Handy.

[Angelic]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Although now Angelic got me into thinking about Adrian Mole........... isn't there a new one out now he is in his 40's?

I believe there's one called 'The prostate years' - I think that's new!

EDIT - Just seen Nid's post above, I've just started reading it again - I love his letter to Tony Blair haha!

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I believe there's one called 'The prostate years' - I think that's new!

EDIT - Just seen Nid's post above, I've just started reading it again - I love his letter to Tony Blair haha!

He writes to Tony Blahr. I must read that one.
I will have a look for it in our local bookshops at the weekend.
Cheers Handy.

[Angelic]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

He writes to Tony Blahr. I must read that one.
I will have a look for it in our local bookshops at the weekend.
Cheers Handy.

Yeah but not in the one that Nid posted, it's the 'weapons of mass destruction' one!

He puts a deposit of £57.10 (or something) down for a holiday to Greece and then hears Tony Blair announcing that Greece could be hit by Weapons of mass destruction in less than 45mins after they've been fired.

The guy who he booked his holiday through wants it in writing that these weapons are a threat before he'll refund the deposit so Adrian Mole writes to Tony Blair asking for a handwritten note to give to the travel agent!

[swanfan]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Yeah but not in the one that Nid posted, it's the 'weapons of mass destruction' one!

So there have been 2 more since the early ones?

I loved those books, just wiondering if i still have the original ones.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Yeah but not in the one that Nid posted, it's the 'weapons of mass destruction' one!

He puts a deposit of £57.10 (or something) down for a holiday to Greece and then hears Tony Blair announcing that Greece could be hit by Weapons of mass destruction in less than 45mins after they've been fired.

The guy who he booked his holiday through wants it in writing that these weapons are a threat before he'll refund the deposit so Adrian Mole writes to Tony Blair asking for a handwritten note to give to the travel agent!

. I can just imagine some of my old Army mates doing the same, when the MOD travel agent told them they were going for a nice sandy holiday somewhere in the Gulf.

I must get a copy.
Regards, Handy.

[LooLoo]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy love the piggies and your box!! why o why does she wanted it painted grey! (by the way I agree with you linen conjurs up cream to me!!) Love the latest maggot story!!!!

OK looks like we are all off to find the Adrian Mole books!!

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Good Evening All, Handy got a dozen pieces of Silver Jewelery from the local auction today. Cost £40, I have been checking Hallmarks and 2 pieces are worth £20.00 each or £40 for scrap. the balance is worth another 20 as Scrap or I recon I would get at least another £30 at the local car boot. So my poor maths add up to £30.00 profit when I sell it on.

If I could repeat the exercise a every month it would add up to a nice little bonus by the end of the year. It was also good fun bidding

There is a downside, I had to ask Lady Hooray for the morning off, so now I have to work a half day on Sunday.

Theres alway someone who want's to P on your bonfire.
Regards Handy.

[Angelic]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

So there have been 2 more since the early ones?

I loved those books, just wiondering if i still have the original ones.

There are 6 that I know of plus the new one.

I've not read them all though, I've not even read the 1st one

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy mate, you'll be in for a telling off, from Lady Little-Sense

You can see the brackets at the top

Don't worry about the distressed look, let her her it for an hour
and it'll feel bloody suicidal

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy mate, you'll be in for a telling off, from Lady Little-Sense

You can see the brackets at the top

Don't worry about the distressed look, let her her it for an hour
and it'll feel bloody suicidal

Hi Mate, nah don't worry about the bracket's to re-enforce the top of the box, they are only there while I bet it painted, then I'm changing them for Brass ones. I will probably have to antique them as Lady Hooray will sat the Brass is too Brassy.

Even Gold has to be the right color for Lady Hooray.

Cheers, Handy.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Good evening all, Handyman wants to introduce you to another of his old mates,
George the Murderer.

Now George has never murdered anything, apart from a few songs. His musical repertoire includes such old time classics as the Auld Triangle by the Dubliners and My Brothers Got Piles by Ivor Biggun and the Red Nosed Bandits (Doc Cox from That’s Life with Esther Rantzen). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPHodBlVYc

My Bothers got piles, he never ever smiles, you’d be glum if you had his bum, my brothers got piles. Now I’m sure George, Maggot, The Reverend Boon and many of my old gang wont mind me telling you about them, as they have “Dinned Out” many times on the Adventures / Misadventures of yours truly.

Unfortunately I lost touch with George about 9 years ago, so George if your out there? give me a call!

I was in the NAFFI at RAF Marham one Friday night, Having a Beer with Maggot and a few of the usual suspects. Maggot was waxing lyrical about the Victorian Art of Physionogomy, which is to judge a persons type by the shape of their head and face.

He said “Look at the Reverend He has a round moon like face“, “Large round eyes”. “Everything about him says I’m a Vicar you can trust me”.

“Slap Head over there has a Bullet shaped head that women love”. “The receding Forehead is caused by headboard friction, Proving he is a lover and a lady’s man.

“Handy has a head shaped like an Egg, showing his supposed intelligence”.

It was at this moment George walked in. A young lad of 18, Lantern jawed, with a protruding top set of teeth and a slight facial twitch.

“Evening Chapths” he said in a cut glass, if not slightly chipped accent. “I’m George, am I in the right plaith”. As he finished speaking the twitch took over causing him to lip smack, rather like Hannibal Lector discussing a meal of Liver and Alfalfa.

Maggot never even looked up from his pint, “He’s a Murderer” he said.
And so George the Murderer was born.

I could tell you about the time Maggot took him to be neutered in a Berlin Cat House, but that’s a bit of an after the watershed story.


Best wishes to all, Handyman.

[Handyman]

What a Day.

Hi all, sorry to update my thread so late, I posted on Old Gals and Geezers this morning saying I hoped the day wouldn’t bring any surprises.

Guess what 10 minutes later I was brushing my teeth when the phone rang. Mrs Handy answered. Get up to the Hall she shouted up to the bathroom, Freddie (that’s on of her Ladyships terriers) is being electrocuted.
I was down stair in 1, in my boots in 2 across the courtyard in 3, it was persist in it down and I thought Oh Great I’m running to deal with live electrics and I’m soaking. Remembering my training, Isolate, Insolate, Evacuate. I jumped over the 4 foot gate in straight in through the hall door.

Now in the Hall we have 5 separate fuse boxes. One main one and one per floor and wing.
I made straight for the main one with the intention of cutting all the power, but the panel is behind a forest of Brooms, brushes and mops. Fighting through I discovered that the chap that came last week to fit a smart meter had locked the panel shut.

I’ll have to do this the hard way I though. Lady Hooray was shouting that the cable was still attached to his leg and had fused to his skin. Where is he I asked, Under the table said she, By this point I was getting exited as well, Which Effing Table I said, only because in the hall there are 3 console tables, a games table and 2 marble tables, In the sitting room is the dining table and the French table and in the kitchen is the breakfast table.

Sitting room she said, I found him under a chair a cable complete with plug attached to his leg. It turned out he had stood in a loop of cable to one of the side table lamps and it had pulled round his back leg like a noose and locked.
Now Ferdie is a nasty little booger at times, on Thursday he bit a carpet fitter that was working in the Hall, luckily he only got the chaps knee pad and the bloke say the funny side of things (after a £20.00 tip).
As he couldn’t get loose he had bit right through the cable, luckily for all concerned the safety breaker had gone off straight away because Lady Hooray had grabbed hold of him and lifted him straight up, This had the effect of ripping the plug out of the socket.

The wire hadn't fused into his flesh it was just so tight around his back paw that he wouldn't let me near, By this time Mrs Handy was there and got me a bandage from the first aid box. with this wrapped around his snout we managed to get the wire free.

If the safety breaker hadn’t worked We could have been looking at a different outcome.
Now I have to rewire £350 of table lamp on Monday morning, you will be careful not to chip it will you as it came from Harrods.

Sometimes don’t you just wonder why you bother.
Regards, Handy.

[Elsie52]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy I just love this thread.......it makes me laugh constantly at your tales.

Keep them coming

[findingaway]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

OMG that could have been tricky, not least for a sodden handyman lol. When I got to the bit where you found Freddie with the cable with the plug attached, I thought you were going to say it was Lady Hooray panicking & the bloody lamp wasn't even plugged in!

See, even I think she over reacts & I don't even know her! I must be listening to some tales..... Have a good day off , FAW