Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

[swanfan]

Bereavement

This is a thread for those of you who have lost a close relative or friend. The help that is out there to deal with the loss and a checklist of things to take care of, as it may be a time when thinking of what you should be doing may be very hard.

This is simply a guide to how you may be feeling. The grieving process is very much a personal experience, no-one can tell you how or when to grieve, this is to help identify how you may be feeling.

The 5 Stages Of Grief

1) Denial

Put quite simply a refusal to accept or believe what has happened. Going through rituals that you used to with a loved one. Perhaps flashing back to conversations in the past with someone as if they are here now. These can be part of this stage.

2) Anger

Blaming yourself for your loss, blaming others for your loss, becoming angry with yourself. Release of anger is far better than turning this anger inwardly. Apologising after an outburst is usually accepted when you have explained why you are not yourself.

3) Bargaining

Wishing to make a deal with fate to gain more time with the one who was lost. Wanting your loved one back as they were before the event occured.

4) Depression

When the bereaved person gets in touch with how very sad they are about losing their loved one. Bursting into tears for no apparent reason. Feeling guilty as if you are to blame.

5) Acceptance

A feeling of acceptance of their grief and move on with their own life. Your energy should return and be able to plan for the future.

Again as was mentioned at the start there are no set times for when you reach these stages, some people take months, other people may take years. Trying to picture good times with the loved one will often help.

[swanfan]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Advice on what to do about bereavement

Cruse bereavement--> http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Cruse bereavement Scotland--> http://www.crusescotland.org.uk/

Cruse bereavement N. Ireland--> http://www.cruseni.org/

BBC Health--> http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_h ... reavement/

Supportline--> http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/bereavement.php

Child death helpline--> http://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk/

[swanfan]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Advice for children on what to do about bereavement

BBC guide--> http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_h ... dren.shtml

Child Bereavement Trust--> http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/

Hospice--> http://www.hospicenet.org/html/teenager.html

[swanfan]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

What to do when someone dies checklist

Direct Gov--> http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentc ... /index.htm

HMRC--> http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/trusts/tax-when-someone-dies.htm

Bereavement Advice Centre--> http://www.bereavementadvice.org/what-t ... estate.php

[LooLoo]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Swanny what a great thread. I lost my dad 5 years ago and although it doesn't get easier you learn to cope with it. I miss him and it makes me appreciate the time I had with him. I do feel guilty though that I didn't put in enough effort while he was alive - you know you get caught up in life at times. My dad's death was shocking and sudden.

People deal with their own grief in their own way, but I do think in my own personal opinion you do need to take time out to grieve, in whatever way is best for you.

We were lucky as the undertakers we used were amazing. But there are things you have to sort out, in my experience we found everyone we dealt with so nice and helpy helpful, i just made the whole process much easier.

My ex husband and brother in law were both really supportive which really helped us all. As well as our priest.

One of the hardest thing I had to do was ringing round friends and family and telling them that my dad had passed away.

xx

[di30]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

I must agree with you Sunnylooloo, what a great thread Swanny, seems like you have covered all areas here, good one.

Like Sunnylooloo, I lost my dad suddenly in July of this year aged 69, and its the yearning part of it that's there all the time, each day that goes by, its another day without your beloved, but thankfully there are ways we can deal with this, and what you have posted is a great help for all that have lost someone.

Fortunately I have relatives who run an undertakers funeral home, they helped take the full burden from us, they were amazing.
Even the aftercare too if required.

I feel this will be very helpful Swanny, as I know its not a thing people like to talk about, but it does help with threads like this one - to help get us through the most difficult times of when in need of when losing someone.

So thank you Swanny good one. X

[LooLoo]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Di your Dad was exactly the same age as my dad.

We were amazed by how helpful and nice every one was. Also my dad was taken from our local hospital to St Thomas, so things like getting the death certificate and registering the death were not done locally and we thought it would be a hassle but it wasnt - everyone was just amazing.

I hope you are ok Di as I also know the first year is really the hardest.

Such a lovely thoughtful thread

[di30]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Di your Dad was exactly the same age as my dad.

We were amazed by how helpful and nice every one was. Also my dad was taken from our local hospital to St Thomas, so things like getting the death certificate and registering the death were not done locally and we thought it would be a hassle but it wasnt - everyone was just amazing.

I hope you are ok Di as I also know the first year is really the hardest.

Such a lovely thoughtful thread

Hiya honey
Sorry about your beloved dad too. Its no age is it hon?

It does help when every rallies round, and we all definately need that help and support at times when losing someone.

Thank you sweetie, hope your okay too.

A fab thread and very supportive too. X

[Elsie52]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Hi Swanny,

Thanks for opening such a great thread, also a subject that people find hard to talk about.

I lost my brother in law (of 33 years) 2 and 1/2 years ago, it was very sudden and shocked us to the core. My sister had been diagnosed with cancer in September, and had to go through, surgery, chemo and radiotherapy, her hubby gave up his job to look after her, and in May the following year she had finished all her treatment, and everything seemed to be fine. They went on holiday and the future was now stretching ahead of them, just 3 weeks later he died of a heart attack, he had never had a problem before, who knows it could have been the stress of the previous 8 months which caused it. To say my sister was devastated would be an understatement. She didn't want to live, she had always thought that she would go first, given her illness. I was there for her at every moment, and watching her grieve was even worse. I was also grieving for my brother in law, I had known him for 35 years. Its so hard being close to someone in that situation, because no matter how you imagine how they are feeling, you never really know the depth of it. We went on holiday together, on several occasions and shared a room, I used to watch her sleeping and think.....how the hell she can carry on, and that life just isn't fair and can be so cruel. She found peace in the church and her faith, I found and still find it hard to do that, there are so many horrible people in this world, why take away someone who was a good person.?

Anyway, 2 and 1/2 years later she has learned to live again, and is much stronger than she used to be. She has now formed a new relationship and although he will never be the husband/partner/soulmate she lost, he makes her happy, so I am thankful for that.

Something like the information links you have given here would have helped us immensely, as hubby died without any insurance, she also had financial worries and didn't know where to go for help.

I'm rambling now, but thanks Swanny, and I am sure this thread will help people.

[di30]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Hi Elsie

Oh my goodness, you and your family have been through it, god bless.

I send all my love to you all XXXXX

Anyway, as its the right thread, me and my family were talking the other day, in our family it mainly seems to be that we lost loved ones on birthdays or on certain occasions like Xmas etc.

My brother in law died aged 28 of leukemia, he actually died xmas day almost 9 years ago, he only known of his health condition on his birthday on 13 March, then be passed away 9 months later. He and my sister had a daughter together, she is 17 years old now.

Then my other brother in law died aged 34, he would be mid 40's now, he died of liver problems and died on one of my sister's birthdays.

My nan on mum's side died on my other sister's birthday and then gramp died again on another sister's birthday.

My uncle then died on New Years Day in 2001.

My ex his brother died aged 14, he would have been 39 now, unfortunately he was dancing with no shoes on and fell direct onto this head, this was whilst he was abroad with the school on a trip, many of you may even remember an article about this in the news.

My cousin died aged 12 due to burst appendix and on her mum's birthday.

I know this may seem a depressing subject but its something we have to face, and I do believe even though we pine and never forget our beloved ones, its not the end. k

[Elsie52]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Hi di

Thanks for your kind words....you will know what we went through then.......I know that you have recently lost your dad, and its so hard to continue. But I am a big believer in the future.....I believe that although people have passed away, its not the end. I think that eventually we will all meet again, and I also think that certain people are still with me. I am level headed and not given to flights of fancy, but I do think that when you have had a really strong bond with someone, then even death can't break that bond.

As you say, its not the most cheerful of threads, but I also think that we should celebrate someone's life, I would hate not to be remembered and in a happy and cheerful way. I don't want my family to be grieving, I want them to laugh, have fun and be happy, and to remember me like that too.

Hope you are finding some peace too di.

[di30]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Hi di

Thanks for your kind words....you will know what we went through then.......I know that you have recently lost your dad, and its so hard to continue. But I am a big believer in the future.....I believe that although people have passed away, its not the end. I think that eventually we will all meet again, and I also think that certain people are still with me. I am level headed and not given to flights of fancy, but I do think that when you have had a really strong bond with someone, then even death can't break that bond.

As you say, its not the most cheerful of threads, but I also think that we should celebrate someone's life, I would hate not to be remembered and in a happy and cheerful way. I don't want my family to be grieving, I want them to laugh, have fun and be happy, and to remember me like that too.

Hope you are finding some peace too di.

Thank you Elsie. ;K7

I am with you all the way.

I told my family when i go, I want everyone to wear bright colours and they MUST celebrate and I wouldn't mind if I was put in a cardboard box buried in the garden lol, and i also told them they must get on in life because its only the body/shell that have died and the soul carries on.
I still feel dad with me.

As you also said its not the cheeriest of threads but its something we all have to face, and its good to know there is people like on here to help us all the way.

I am getting there now Elsie and hope your keeping okay too, bless you XXX

[Elsie52]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Thanks for this thread Swanny.....I didn't think it would be needed as yet, but the advice given re benefits etc is going to help my brothers wife during the next few weeks.......

[alwaysskint]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

I'm the eldest of... wait for it.... 11
(Divorced parents)

We lost brother No3 aged 29 in a motorbike accident almost 2 weeks after his birthday this June. Such a terrible unexpected shock, and God love him, he fought the internal injuries for over 13 hours before he died. He has left a huge hole in our hearts, and our lives, and I don't think I've managed to wrap my head around it at all as I was dealing with everything, hospitals, coroner, Police Liason Officer, funeral director, keeping family members up to date - which with 9 other siblings to contact at the same time is not bloomin easy! let alone the others, gran, aunts, uncles etc. And on top of all that, had all sorts of wierd wonderful people contacting me on FB claiming to be 'his best friend' 'his girlfriend' - 7 of them - what can I say he was a popular guy lol, 1 even claiming to a friend of mine to be my dad's sister to get the password I had to set up at the funeral home so that ONLY family could go to the chapel of rest to say goodbye (Took us almost 2 weeks to get him taken into our care so we only had 24 hours to say goodbye. Given the amount of people that had been calling the funeral director claiming to be 'family' none of which were, we had no choice but to do the password - never heard anything like it tbh, there was more, could write a book, but here's not the place really)

I think on top of all the above, the hardest thing for me was raising the money to pay for his funeral. Didn't have time to grieve at all, and I've still got his inquest to deal with yet (Thursday 2nd Dec) so maybe it's going to kick in after the final piece is dealt with?
At 29, well, who does think they need a funeral plan at that age? I'm in my 40's and don't have one - that is being remedied as we speak though
I'm on benefits, and as his next of kin, (his mum -my stepmum, died mothers day 2009) and there being no money available within the family due to her funeral bill still being paid, (their benefits claim was denied because one of my siblings was in full time employment at that time, heavily pregnant mind you, but I didn't know about that as she wasn't my mum) I was advised - incorrectly in part, that I could claim from the social fund.
I could claim, upto a maximum of £1000, but what I didn't realise is they then deduct any monies from assets (ok he had none there - his bank was OD, his bike 3rd party) they did however deduct money given by his friends for his 3 yr old daughter despite the fact he and his ex hadn't been together for over a year when he died, and also deducted the money raised during the collection at his funeral.
He had the most basic coop funeral with the cheapest of everything - still cost just under £3k - not including flowers
So even if my claim had been totally successful, I'd have still been short just under £2k.
Directors, unless you have a fantastic credit rating, only gave me 28 days to pay the bill before they'd start with the letters - warned by them at the outset that that would happen
Thankfully, and forever gratefully, one of his actual best friends, was able to help in ways I am still humbled by, and the bill was paid in full.

Can someone confirm my grief can start soon now, please?

Now whilst I don't want to scare anyone, particularly at a time when you're head is somewhere else, please be aware that funeral costs are higher than I'd have thought, so if you can't afford to do a payment plan with a director now, to ensure your loved ones aren't left to pay the bill, ie £45 per month for 6 months I've been quoted - I can't afford that! Then at least open up an instant access savings account with a different bank to the one you bank with, or as I have, with a credit union, and put something away each month until you have enough to pay for one in full. I do not want my children or my siblings to go through this again. 2 funerals in 18 months is damned expensive


To anyone that has lost a loved one, take strength from your memories and remember them smiling.
I have lovely picture of my brother Dan (RIP) with a cocktail stick stuck out of his ear ;-) Always acting up, that's how I remember him, and it's what we loved him for lol

[Elsie52]

Re: Bereavement- what to do when a loved one dies

Hiya

Sorry to hear about your brother Alwayskint......I know what you ar going through, we are having real problems at the moment, but like you we will get through it.......we also havn't had time to grieve, there have been other stupid family rifts getting in the way, but have to be dealt with. We are trying to raise the monies for the funeral too, and that's not easy. How many people have 2 or 3 thousand pounds sat in a bank account.? Not many folks that I know.

Anyway, just wanted to say, that you are not alone on hear, if you want a rant or just some comfort and a listening ear then we are here.