a difficult situation

[Spent2much]

Both my parents are ill mum still has to go to the hospital every two weeks for her pallette after cancer and she has other health issues too which she is receiving treatment,

My dad has parkinson's and recently had a heart attack and paceamker and is very fragile still .

Mother in law has been in and out of hospital she keeps getting a stomach bug, as me and my husband are the main carers for my parents we are being blamed for not caring as we can't go see MIL , we can't risk passing a stomach bug onto my already sick parents ,but hubbys sister is playing up terrible , posting long messages on her facebook wall calling us selfish uncaring and lost in our own wonderful dream world , her 19 year old granddaughter called me a c**t and accused my hubby of caring more for me (his wonderful partner) .

We haven't responded to these messages but the rest of his family are replying to them and clicking (like)

Is there really anything we can do in this situation ? My hubby phones his mum and i often enquire to his niece about his mum .

It's adding to the stress of an already stressful situation , i find it all very childish the messages on facebook .

[nightwatch]

Re: a difficult situation

These problems happen in every family S2M,even mine
you could try to get hubby to phone his sister and ask her not to post on Facebook about personal family arguments,
you could complain to facebook which could block the account,
but I think what could be the problem is lack of information about what she wants you to do, ask her,
then explain that you have parents too and they are frail and require lots of your attention.
while your at it ask what the hospital has said could be causing the bug, as a few things spring to mind.

as to clicking like, Facebook hasn't got a DISLIKE button.
but you can report the post as offensive

[Sapphire]

Re: a difficult situation

Oh S2M I'm so sorry to hear about this, it must be a terrible strain on you both. Personally I'd be inclined to call a meeting with the immediate family, ie brothers & sisters, don't include the neices and nephews as they will only wind things up, then over a cuppa and biccies explain to them the whole situation, how worried you are for both sides and how torn apart you are about not being able to care for everyone. I'd then ask that they would help as much as possible with MIL because your needs are to be with your parents and of course make sure that hubby does do his bit and visits his mum once or twice a week.

Then of course mention the crap on Facebook and ask for it to be deleted and for them to keep their brood under control.

[Spent2much]

Re: a difficult situation

Thank you NW and Sapphire, I'm waiting for a reply from one of the family about visiting tonight because we do want to visit it's just making sure all is well.
I told my hubby that he should go see him mum and he has always done this up until December last year , we both had the flu which lasted 3 weeks and we stayed away so we didn't pass it on to his mum we ddin't visit my parents either , my brothers took over the caring . Then it was Christmas and we took her card and present round as she was okay at this time , and we spent 24-27th Dec in a log cabin . I must have been run down because i started with a throat infection boxing day which then ended up as laryngitis after 2 weeks i had to go to the doctors and got antibiotics . So kept away from MIL and my parents and my brothers took care them once again .

I'm better now and thank God because it just seemed never ending .

Anyway thank you for the replies sorry about the rant lol

[nightwatch]

Re: a difficult situation

it's ok to rant, better to get it off your chest.

(Bit like Sapphys avatar)

[cymruambyth]

Re: a difficult situation

Hi s2m, don't apologise for your rant, it's one of the benefits of AAD that you can get and give advice about everything without anyone knowing who you are. Unfortunately as we get older most of us have to cope with elderly and unwell parents and if both sets are alive then the problems get worse. There is always someone who thinks that they are being unfairly treated; you have to do the best that you can but also pay attention to yourself, when you are ill you can't help anyone. The Facebook is horrible and I hope that you are able to meet up with family members and sort it.

[Spent2much]

Re: a difficult situation

it's ok to rant, better to get it off your chest.

(Bit like Sapphys avatar)

: xx

[Spent2much]

Re: a difficult situation

Hi s2m, don't apologise for your rant, it's one of the benefits of AAD that you can get and give advice about everything without anyone knowing who you are. Unfortunately as we get older most of us have to cope with elderly and unwell parents and if both sets are alive then the problems get worse. There is always someone who thinks that they are being unfairly treated; you have to do the best that you can but also pay attention to yourself, when you are ill you can't help anyone. The Facebook is horrible and I hope that you are able to meet up with family members and sort it.

Thank you , there is only the MIL now as FIL died last December .

The thing with hubbys sister/sisters they take over and have always organized everything , the sister who wrote the horrible post on facebook even decorates her flat and has the cheek to ask us for some money for new carpets and curtains , we never gave into that because of our financial situation but i don't think it is right asking anyway but that's just me .

Hubby just came home and he phoned his mum and she has been clear of the bug for two weeks now so we are going to see her at 7, she is a sweet lady and i don't think she knows anything about what the others have been saying and i don't want her to know either .

[kilasuit]

Re: a difficult situation

Facebook - although great can be a horrible tool when just used as a venting ground and I've seen so many arguements because of it. Infact I've Caused a few because of it too (not proud moments tbh)

I hope that its just a cause for frustration within the wider family and that this evening you manage to get this settled - nothing more annoying than a situation misread and it being blown up to the extremities because of Facebook - hence i go and speak to the family about things when they arise (or at least I try to anyway - not much of a phonecall person when it comes to bad news)

[julian]

Re: a difficult situation

Sorry to hear about the problems. There is always a problem unless you are super healthy and live next door.

My parent-in-law were much older than my parents and we had to spend every holiday there. The family that lived close visited weekly and paid for carers but never spent any time with them even when they stayed over, as they went out with mates and just came back to eat and sleep. They died in their 90s. They lived abroad.

My father was the first to die when he was 70. My mother has vascular dementia and arthritis. She lives 300miles away. My sisters share the shopping, taking out for meals and pop in almost daily. They also go on holiday with her, as do we - separately not all together. My brothers do nowt by call round about once every 6 months with flowers and chocolates, then they leave after 5 minutes. So there is unfairness.

Recently one of my sisters is claiming to be 'like an only child' as she thinks she is the main carer. She is there most often. However, when we are there, we do not see her, as she has a rest and rightly so. Other half is always saying we never see her, as he thinks if we are at Mums's on holiday we should have some time to be on holiday. I do not see it like that. I see it as doing my bit.

As for grandchildren, where do they go after years of babysitting, outings, presents? They seem to disappear never more to make contact. I am sure we didn't do that, we were always helping out.

Families are a nightmare, you are guilty whatever you do, if you care. Solomon's law only works with babies not with grannies.

Can you and you MIL use Skype or Viber to keep in touch? Facetime is so much better than just telephone.

[Spent2much]

Re: a difficult situation

Facebook - although great can be a horrible tool when just used as a venting ground and I've seen so many arguements because of it. Infact I've Caused a few because of it too (not proud moments tbh)

I hope that its just a cause for frustration within the wider family and that this evening you manage to get this settled - nothing more annoying than a situation misread and it being blown up to the extremities because of Facebook - hence i go and speak to the family about things when they arise (or at least I try to anyway - not much of a phonecall person when it comes to bad news)

just got back now , one of the sisters is staying there and his mum and her ignored me for half hour then my husband was saying about my mum's cancer and his sister said 'i never knew about that' that's the thing they don't listen but i don't like to glorify illnesses i like to stay as positive as i can, they never knew my dad was as ill as he is, but again we don't keep on about the illnesses, by the end of the visit we were talking but it wasn't as it should be .
My husband made it clear to them that it wasn't just his mum that hadn't been visited it was also my parents because i had had the flu and throat infection but that just got a grunt from them and a quick change of subject back to all the things his mum has wrong her and about ambulance and the blood sugar and everything .
It was boiling in there too as expected in an elderly persons home was glad to get out , but pleased we went to see her .

[Spent2much]

Re: a difficult situation

Sorry to hear about the problems. There is always a problem unless you are super healthy and live next door.

My parent-in-law were much older than my parents and we had to spend every holiday there. The family that lived close visited weekly and paid for carers but never spent any time with them even when they stayed over, as they went out with mates and just came back to eat and sleep. They died in their 90s. They lived abroad.

My father was the first to die when he was 70. My mother has vascular dementia and arthritis. She lives 300miles away. My sisters share the shopping, taking out for meals and pop in almost daily. They also go on holiday with her, as do we - separately not all together. My brothers do nowt by call round about once every 6 months with flowers and chocolates, then they leave after 5 minutes. So there is unfairness.

Recently one of my sisters is claiming to be 'like an only child' as she thinks she is the main carer. She is there most often. However, when we are there, we do not see her, as she has a rest and rightly so. Other half is always saying we never see her, as he thinks if we are at Mums's on holiday we should have some time to be on holiday. I do not see it like that. I see it as doing my bit.

As for grandchildren, where do they go after years of babysitting, outings, presents? They seem to disappear never more to make contact. I am sure we didn't do that, we were always helping out.

Families are a nightmare, you are guilty whatever you do, if you care. Solomon's law only works with babies not with grannies.

Can you and you MIL use Skype or Viber to keep in touch? Facetime is so much better than just telephone.

Wow that's a situation spending holidays and caring at the same time, but like you say we do it because we love them .

MIL doesn't have internet , one of the sisters had the landline phone taken out and now she has a mobile phone and one down stairs so if she needs any of us she can call .

Things are smoothing over .

[cymruambyth]

Re: a difficult situation

I'm glad to hear that you met a sister and explained about some of the ill health that you and your parents have been experiencing, hopefully Facebook will now quieten down.