CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

[LooLoo]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

As always Classic Handy!

Wow well done on the silver bits!!

George the Murderer.........

Fried Doggies............

it just gets better and better

xx

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Wire her into the mains mate

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Wire her into the mains mate

Don't think I haven't thought of it.
When I worked in engineering I was told to take my tools and go to the MD's office. Turned out he wanted a bulb changing.

When I got there he was in with his secretary, I said wheres this Chair the Foreman said you wanted wiring up.
I thought the secretary was going to snigger herself to death.
As I left I heard the Boss on his phone asking to talk to the Foreman.

Cheers, Handy.

[Angelic]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Love it love it love it!!

[MrsD]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Brilliant Handy, you should definitely be published, you can change the names to protect the innocent!!!

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

When I worked in engineering I was told to take my tools and go to the MD's office. Turned out he wanted a bulb changing.

Says it all really, make a call to someone to change a bulb - is it really that hard to change a bloody light bulb that warrant you calling maintenance?

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Your a star Handy even though your life is sooooo hard (with the goings on) you always brighten my day and make me smile

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Says it all really, make a call to someone to change a bulb - is it really that hard to change a bloody light bulb that warrant you calling maintenance?

When your Lady Hooray or the MD of an International Engineering Company it's dammed impossible.

Talking about Light Bulbs, I rewired the Harrods lamp this morning. The Base is a 30 inch Blue and White, Ming Ginger Jar, but I'm not supposed to tell anyone its only a reproduction (Antiques talk for Fake).

Theres a touch of the Cynthia Bucket's (Buc' key) about Lady H at times.

Regards all, Handy.

[Handyman]

George the Murderer gets Nueterd

Well finally time to tell you the next part of the George the Murderer story.

Just to get things straight, George has never murdered anything, apart from a few songs.
My Mate Maggot decided that he had the look of a murderer because of his Buck teeth and Facial Twitch.

One Year our Territorial Arny unit was sent on exercise to Germany as part of a NATO force. Our Engineer Squadron ended up in Berlin, partly to make improvements to the Barracks and partly to re-enforce the guard on our section of the Berlin wall ( Why we should need to guard it I don’t know? No one would want to nick it!).

On Day one the Reverend Boon fell down a trap door on the top of one of the observation towers and broke his leg, much to the amusement of the East Germans on the other side, who were watching us, watching them, watching us!

It wasn’t all work the Barracks had a good bar and on the second evening George approached Maggot, “Maggot he said I’ve bought this local magazine” Well it wasn’t the Beano or Bunty, more like the T*T and B*M monthly. “I’ve been wondering how a chap would go about establishing relations with the locals, with a view to obtaining some of the services like this” he said showing Maggot a very explicit picture of a French bingo number.

It was at this point it became clear to the assembled usual suspects that young George was what might be termed “Virgo Intactus” .Well said Maggot “ It helps if you have a partner, preferably female”. “How would I ask for something like this?” said George. “I would ask for Ducken Mi Skull Bitte” said Maggot coming out with something that sounded plausible, but utter Maggot rubbish.

Next evening we got a few hours out on the town, George after a couple of Lowenbrow’s excelled him self by stopping members of the public, both male and female and asking “Ducken Mi Skull please!” To which the response was Dumkoff Britischer.

Maggot resolved drastic action had to be taken or George would get him self killed or even worse anyone with him.

With our party we had a rather nice 2nd Lieutenant called Kate. Now Kate was fluent in German and had rather taken a shine to young George.

Maggot outlined his plan to her, “We need to get George Neutered” he said “you can speak German, write on this beer matt an instruction to a taxi driver to take us to a house of ill repute”. Kate scribbled something down and then with Maggot in the lead, George, the Reverend Boon on Army issue Tiny Tim Wooden Crutches and ankle to thigh pot, and myself following on we made for the Taxi rank outside the main gates. The first Taxi in the rank was an ancient Mercedes, George got place of honour as front passenger.
The Reverend complete with crutches, Maggot and myself got in the back. The beer matt was handed to the driver, who gave us a look of total bewilderment and then pulled out a high speed into the traffic. We expected to be taken to the Reaperbahn (Berlin’s Soho). But instead we headed in the opposite direction. Now at the time the exchange rate was @ 5 Marks to the pound, but when the Taxi meter began to read 100 Marks we began to become concerned.

All of a sudden the Taxi turned down a side road and we found ourselves near the gates to Berlin Zoo. A large sign declared that this was the way to the Lion enclosure (Das Lowe Hause). The Drivers body language seemed to say “you’re here”.
Noo Noo Nooo we don’t want to be here said Maggot “we want women” at the same time Maggot was trying to describe the outline of the female form with his hands, but sandwiched in the middle between the Reverend, his crutches and handyman, he couldn’t quite get his arms to work properly.

The Driver looked bewildered, “You vant to go Scvimming?” he asked.
“Nien Nien Nien” said Maggot, this time placing his left hand in the crook of his right arm, making a fist and shaking it up and down in the international sign for Nookie while pulling a face like Les Dawson. “You Vant to go Boxing?” asked the Driver.

It was at this stage the Reverend took over, “Nien, Fumzig Mark Jig a Jig” he said. “Ja” said the driver “you want das country club”. I could never figure out how the Reverend knew such things, him being a man of the cloth and such.

So it was of again, this time to an upmarket leafy suburb not more than half a mile from where we started our adventure. A long drive led to a large country house, the front door led into a massive hall, with cherubs, chandeliers and a large winding staircase. We were met in the hall by the Madame, who was wearing not a negligee but a negligible, and the best that the German equivalent of Ann Summers had to offer.

“Das is Da Yung Frow” (this is the young girl) said Maggot pointing to George. The Madame who spoke quite good English said she would take care of George personally. Off up the large stairs she went leading George by the hand.

Handy spotted a bar in one of the side rooms, “beer time” I said, It was soon apparent that at £10.00 per bottle we wouldn’t be getting drunk. “I hope we don’t need to many of these” I said my Scottish side coming out. “Shouldn’t be more than a few minutes” said Maggot.



The Reverend looking around said “ This reminds me of my days of a curate, ministering to the needs of fallen women in some of the less salubrious hostelry’s around Ipswitch Docks, especially on Thursday and Friday nights. 4 beers each and George hadn’t returned. We were just starting the 5th when we heard George and the Madame talking as they came down the steps.

“Look” said Maggot, “he’s got the walk of a Maaaan“, “Looks to me like he’s limping” I said. “His facial twitch has gone” said the Reverend.

George came into the bar with the Madame still on his arm, “I insist you have a drink with me my dear”, “Champagne to celebrate” said the Madame. “Don’t” said Maggot whispering so loudly in Georges ear that the whole bar could hear.

When the drinks were served George turned to the Madame and said, “what do you do for a living, when your not doing this”. “Silly Boogars like you” said Maggot grabbing George by the collar and frogmarching him towards the door. We all agreed later that retreat was the best form of defence at this point in time.

Next day Maggots for call was to see Kate in the Squadron office, “Just what did you write on the beer matt?” “Haven’t you worked it out?” she said, “I just put we want a big P***y, take me to the best Cat house in Berlin”.

Regards all, Handy.

[LooLoo]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Absolute classic!!!!!!!!

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Well evening all,. Today has been a typical Monday, Totally Carp. Mrs Handy got up in a massive Grump. Then Stepsons started calling one at a time. The only time we hear from them is when they need cash. Ages 36, 38, 43. One a Speed Head, One a Stoner and one a Junky. Hell hath no Fury as a Mothers Love. I know she’s feeling down as she want’s to move back Oop North to be nearer DD and Weed Grower SIL so she can see the Grandkids more often. We have just helped DD and SIL get on a DMP as they haven’t paid the mortgage in 5 months even though a year ago she was left 50k by her biological Father. Most of it was lent to SILs didicoy Family and the rest went on a big fat chavy wedding, of which Mrs Handy contributed @ 3k without telling me. Do I want to move North with no prospects of work other than what I’m doing at the moment for yet another Hooray, what do you think?

Since Christmas Handy has had to fork out over 1k to keep the bailiffs away from them or to put food in their belly’s, she forgets that when I met her 10 years ago she couldn’t wait to get away from them.
Then she left them a forwarding address and invited them all to stay.

Anyway Sorry if this is turning into a Rant.

Then today I had to pack 30+ paintings which are going to Lord Hooray’s sons. I can understand why Lady H want’s them to go now as she want’s to avoid a Bun Fight when it’s her turn to go. She want’s what’s hers to go to her Family (Wife No 3)

None of the Sons need to work as they have their own wealth manager to dole out the dividends, as it is they are all non executive Directors and as such get a fat annual salary.

In all the works of art and Furniture are only worth @10k but though they don’t want any of it they don’t want to lose control of it. Possession being 9/10th of the law.

After I had packed it all, 200 metres of Bubble wrap and a dozen special picture boxes, followed by a lecture on how to do the job. I was told to put the boxes in and unheated, unlocked and leaking Garden shed for the next month. Love the Logic.

The Solicitors bill for sorting out the old guys probate is now over 10k, Lady Hooray asked me what I thought.

I told her in my opinion Solicitors are found in the dictionary in the middle between SH1T and SYPHALUS.

Then came the discussion about the Battleship Grey she spent 3 hours choosing for the Log Box, It wasn’t Duck Egg Blue enough. Could I mix some emulsion with the Oil based paint to change the colour.

I told her you can’t mix oil and water, but she had to check at the local paint shop to make sure I wasn’t telling Porkpies.

Sorry for quoting figures that only you and I can dream of. If there were justice in life, but who said life is fair. It’s just that some folk really don’t deserve it.

I think Handy is rapidly losing it tonight. If you hear of a massacre at a country house that looks like an Agatha Christie film set. It wasn’t Handy your Honour.

[MustGetStraigh]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Handy, your tales are wonderful. Thank you. You really should write a book, just think of the royalties!!

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Sorry for last nights Rant, It's not often I lose my cool but yesterday was a bad one.
At least her Ladyship is going to her Art Class lol this morning. So for a few hours at least I won't have to put up with her.

With any luck I can get most of the inside work done before she gets back.

Cheers all, Handy.

[LooLoo]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

Ahhh Handy this is your thread you rant as much as you need to.

I can really realate to your feelings of step children - my two (my ex's two) were ok - I knew then since they were about 10 and 12. As they got older..... all they wanted their dad for was money..... never rang him hardly saw him. We had the son live with us for a while - I swear I nearly moved out! Anyway now we split up I hear hide nor hair from them.

I've now got the little loos - who I don't really consider my stepchildren - just Mr Loo's little uns but I love em to bits just the same - maybe if we get married I might feel more like a step mum - who knows.

I think what Lady H is doing about her artwork is a good idea!

As for the probate what a joke - are the son's contesting the will or something? why so much - I have learnt the hard way the only winners in any court case are the solicitors.

xx

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman.

I think what Lady H is doing about her artwork is a good idea!

As for the probate what a joke - are the son's contesting the will or something? why so much - I have learnt the hard way the only winners in any court case are the solicitors.

xx

It's not often she shows good sense but I am with her on this one. The reason Lord Hooray moved back here from oop North was in the hope his sons would come with their kids to see him more often.

Once or twice a year if he was lucky, and normally it was to ask for another 350k towards school fees.

The Family was well provided for 6 figures tax free on top of other private incomes. This is all very old money.
I don't think they have yet realised they don't get the house, but they don't need it anyway. The Family Firm is in the footsie 100 (@ 1.14bn) But there are about 20+ family members all get a share.

When you are 4th - 5th Generation Harrow and Eaton, shipped of to Boarding School aged 5, then there isn't a lot of affection shown towards Mater and Pater.

I have yet to meet anyone who has been through the English Public Schools, who I would call a Normal Well Adjusted Human being.

They should have gone to Handy's School it was a good one, It was Approved.