Hooray Hall - Adventures of a Handyman Part 2

[PlanB]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Handy you're not old - you're vintage

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Handy you're not old - you're vintage

Do you mean he should be laid in a cool, dark cellar?

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Do you mean he should be laid in a cool, dark cellar?

Any Offers

Only Joking, these day's it's all in the Mind and that's the best place

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, I saw a comment by Philnicandamy this morning. He mentioned Blaster Bates. I too remember listening to his explosive exploits on old LP's back in the 60's. He was a very funny chap, a natural comedian. Although he probably exaggerated (a little)all his storie were based on real life events.

I think I told the story of how I injured my knee (for the second time) on Adventures Part 1.

But if you don't mind I would like to tell the story again in the style of Blaster. I hope you like it.


The second time I did it some damage I was on exercise with my Royal Engineer Unit. We were ordered to camp in this area of woodland. In order to get the lorries into the wood, one of the chaps led the way stood in the bucket of a JCB cutting the overhanging branches of trees with a chainsaw so we could get in.

We were told that there was the danger of air raids and to get the camouflage nets up quickly.

No at the time unbeknown to us, two of our chaps had laid out BFN (Battlefield Noise Simulation). This is like Movie special effects and involves the use of explosive and fireworks to simulate the noise of a Battle or Air raid.

You should have seen the mushroom cloud I could make with a 45 gallon drum on diesel, fertiliser and 4 ounces of plastic explosive.

Now in the middle of the wood there was a WW2 camp which in 1943 had housed Italian POW’s. The MOD had given the camp to a local historical society to turn into a museum. The next week we had been given the job of clearing the trees and cleaning the place up. One of the jobs we had to do was to drain a Cess Pit in the middle of the wood, It had been full of the brown stuff since 1941. When our chaps laying the BFN’s got to it, they decided it might speed the job up if they put a charge of explosive right in the middle. They set it up and threw it but it just sat there on the 6 inch thick crust that formed the surface, they retrieved it and added weight and it still laid on the top. Eventually it took a charge large enough to demolish an office block before the thing broke the skin and sank leaving a large evil looking green bubble to rise to the surface.

Now back to Corporal Handy, after a few hours we got the word to move out so I climbed onto the canvass top of our 4 ton lorry and began to cut down the camouflage netting. I was only half way through when the Air raid alarm went off. I looked around for a fast way down. Jump for that branch in the tree over there, dangle and drop is what I thought.

I made the jump alright but as I dangled from the limb it began to creak as I looked up I realised that our chap with the chainsaw had cut halfway through and then decided it didn’t need to come down.
With an almighty crack the branch snapped and I dropped the remaining six or so feet to the ground.
It didn’t help much that I was wearing my webbing, rucksack and had a gun strapped around my neck.
As I met the ground with half a hundred weight of branch held above my head my right knee turned completely round in the wrong direction.

Groaning with pain (not scared to admit it hurt) I managed to get into an upright position by the wheel or the truck and tried to stretch my leg straight. Then it happened, the BFN’s went off. There was an ear splitting shriek, a massive bang, then the cess pit went off. A geyser of 50 year old sh1t shot 150 feet in the air and headed in Handy’s direction.

When things had settled my lorry had turned from Khaki Green to Khaki Brown. When I managed to move my silhouette was imprinted on the side of my lorry.

When the unit finally emerged from cover all they found was Handy writhing on the floor covered from head to toe in the brown smelly stuff. (nothing changes). I was put on a stretcher and loaded into the back of a short wheelbase land rover. Now you cant fit a stretcher into a short wheelbase without the end of the stretcher hanging out over the road. You’ve guessed it they put me in the wrong way round, my head and shoulders were hanging out over the road.
Now if travelling like this wasn’t bad enough a passing Wasp thought I smelt like a pint of stale beer and got caught up in the scrim scarf around my neck. By the time I had extracted it, I had been stung on the Adams apple 3 times. The resulting swelling around my windpipe causing severe breathing difficulties.

By the time I arrived at the nearest RAF medical centre I was gasping for breath. The medical orderlies wouldn’t even come near me. Fortunately one chap played a lot of Rugby and his flattened nose wasn’t as sensitive as those of his colleagues came close enough for me to point to my swelling windpipe and in short order a large dose of anti histamine was given.

Given that I was in a sea of pain I rather imagined that they would cut my clothes off me, no such chance this was the military, they took me round to the fire station and had the duty crew hose me off before they would examine me. As the medics were loading me back in the Land Rover one asked what had happened, by this time I was able to talk again so I quickly gave them the expedited version of events. You’ve guessed it they laughed that much that the chap at the top of the stretcher dropped me.

Not the first time I have landed on my head, apparently the midwife had slippy hands as well.

I still have the limp, it only ever hurts when it rains which considering the summer we are having is most of the time

Regards all, Handy

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Aww Handy, you do make me laugh

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Just thought I would share these with you at the end of an awful day.

I haven't been to this pub in Derbyshire for over ten years. I used to go there in my climbing, caving and hill walking days. the Landlord "Jeff the Viking" must be well into his 80's now.

It is world famous for it's folk jam sessions which used to start Friday and go on to Monday. I was once snowed in there for three days .





If you had a drop too much and couldn't drive the Landlord used to let you crash in the hayloft of his barn. In my case this was often as he wouldn't serve lager and his ale was all over 4.5% the stuff I used to drink was called old Navigation at over 7%

I must try to get back this year for old times sake. We always used to end up there for a beer or 3, after we had done a cave or mountain rescue.

From time to time I used to tell a joke or a poem or two

Regards, Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, I thought you might like to look at a video of The Gardens here at Hooray Hall. I took it round about the end of April before the weather broke and wrecked everything. You can tell it was Spring by the lack of leaves on the trees. Now everything is like a jungle. Even the weeds have got 6 feet tall looking for daylight.



When I have got things back to a normal good condition I will post up another showing the Top Garden and what we look like in High Summer, always supposing we ever get one

Regards all, Handy

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Brilliant Handy but concerned this is giving too much of your identity away??

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Oooh and forgot to ask how Mrs H is??

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi If, Mrs Handy is well, not too great is one way of putting it. She's still in a lot of pain and is irritable to say the least.

She won't take any more pain killers because she's convinced that is what's causing her confusion. I will say more in a later post.

As to giving too much away. I have been economical with the tags on the video. If anyone who knows the gardens watches it well? but I was polite and didn't slag anyone off, did I?

Regards, Handy

[IF]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi If, Mrs Handy is well, not too great is one way of putting it. She's still in a lot of pain and is irritable to say the least.

She won't take any more pain killers because she's convinced that is what's causing her confusion. I will say more in a later post.

As to giving too much away. I have been economical with the tags on the video. If anyone who knows the gardens watches it well? but I was polite and didn't slag anyone off, did I?

Regards, Handy

Hi Handy, I am sorry

True enough and no you were polite

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, seeing as I mentioned the 3 Stags Heads pub last night, I thought I would tell you about one New Years Eve I spent there.

No for a change I wasn’t on anything stronger than Shandy, I had called in to wish some friends who were up from Norwich, seasons greetings before going on to see in the New Year with Family.

The Landlord (Jeff the Viking) is a bit of a pagan, so the pub was decorated in traditional style .
Pine boughs and paper chains decked the walls and ceiling, not a shiny glass bauble or a fairy light in the place.

Now this pub is tiny, not much has changed inside since the turn of the century (the 17thc ). Before Jeff took it over the old girl who owned it would serve the ale from a cask on her sideboard, the bar doubling as her sitting room.

The room where the music is performed is only about 18x18 feet and I have often seen over 50 folk + musicians squashed in there.

This New Years Eve was a cold one and even with the number of people sharing the space the room was cold. The open fire was struggling to burn. One of the regulars asked Jeff if he could get it to burn a little brighter.

Now in the alcove next to the fire place sat a couple who were most definitely not regulars.
He in a bowtie and Dinner Jacket and she in a cocktail dress. Usual costume was 1960’s Hippy, New Age Traveller or Hill Walker.

Jeff soon returned with a gallon bottle half full of some colourless liquid which he poured over the smouldering embers of the fire.

I heard the girl ask the chap in the bowtie, “What’s the man doing Dahling”, “I don’t know Dahling” said the man. “Lets both stick our heads around the corner and see what he has poured on the fire!”.

Just as they craned their heads around the corner to look there came a dull bang as the paraffin ignited.
A ball of flame shot 3 feet into the room and rolled up the wall and halfway across the ceiling, igniting paper chains and pine boughs on its journey.

The crowd in the room cheered loudly while I put my hand over my pint glass to avoid the ashes that were raining down.

It must have been the shock of the explosion because for about a minute no one gave thought to the couple who had been staring into the fire when it went off.

As they turned round the room hushed, then some wag said loudly you should be on a Jam Jar as they had both turned into perfect Gollywogs. The chaps bowtie was smouldering, she had lost most of her fringe and both were black with the soot that had flown from the fireplace with the force of the blast.

They didn’t say much but quietly got up and left. On their way out my mate Jim from Norwich said I didn’t think the sweeps started first footing till midnight.

Jeff’s reaction “well no one asked them to stick their noses in”.

By the time I left that evening there was no need for a fire because the party was that hot It was melting the snow on the roof.

Regards all, Handy.

[Numpty Monkey]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Makes no wonder lady h moans at you if thats the only bit of garden you have to mow, and bit of hedge

I'm still waiting for these tales in a book,
I'll even buy it in hard back mate

[Pixie]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

I agree with you there Numpty - Handy's tales would make a fantastic book.

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

I'm still waiting for these tales in a book,
I'll even buy it in hard back mate

With illustrations by Paul Sample? (link)