ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

oh how i chuckled at the templates.

Will def think about sending one of those lol

Thanks SXGuy!

It is always rewarding when one's creative labours are appreciated.

if you want me to, just ask and I will

We need an "alternative templates" section really

That's very generous of you, sir!

I just hope you noticed, though, that the tone is slightly different from that of the official templates. I'm not quite sure what a judge would make of them......

SH

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Right, so it is now one month since Crapbot promised to brighten up my lonely life by sending round one of their ever-so-friendly doorstep collectors.

I've just looked outside, and the doorstep is still there.

This means that either -

1) They're stuck in a rather nasty traffic jam,
2) They aren't very good at map reading,

or,

3) They were lying!

I'll let you take your pick.

SH

[SXGuy]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Perhaps you should cover your doorstep in non drying paint just to be safe, or maybe even tag it with an invisible pen!

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Right, new developments on this one.

I've just received a notice of assignment from Crapbot, which says “we will be passing your account out to Clarity Credit Management Solutions.” What the hell does that mean? If these cretins could actually speak English, you might just know what you were dealing with. Debts are either assigned equitably, or assigned in absolute, so which is it? If the account will be “passing out”, I need to get it some smelling salts, and if it will be “passed on”, I can just bury the papers in the ground and stick a gravestone on top.

There is a potentially sinister side to this, because if the assignment is absolute the fact that this new DCA is only a short bus ride from my home means that they would have greatly reduced expenses if they decided to litigate. On the other hand, if it is equitable, then it is just a red nose job and Crapbot are being silly again.

I've had a look at this new rabble's website where they list their “products”. 'Effective lettering.' Does that mean they use a stencil with their green crayons? 'Dialler intensity.' That wouldn't be an open admission of harassment tactics before we even start, would it? Get this one – 'telephone penetration uplifts!' What the hell is a 'penetration uplift'? Plastic surgery for your dick?

There are also pictures of their (mis?) management team. Only two out of the five can spare the money to buy a tie, and the Chief Executive appears unable to afford a disposable razor. Perhaps they're not quite as good at debt collecting as they like to think they are? Three of them look like they've just got out of the Scrubs after a stretch for GBH, one looks as though he's already been embalmed ready for burial, and the final one looks like such a smarmy bleeder he'd try and charm your grandmother into bed. I just hope their real name is 'Hilarity' and that they're as daft a bunch of clowns as they look.

Does anyone have any intelligence on these oxygen wasters, if intelligence can ever be the right word?

SH

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

^^^^^^

When they pass an account on, it simply means they're allowing someone to collect for them so they are doing nothing, they're simply outsourcing the debt to a 3rd party in line with their right as owners.

Loving their board, like you'd want to invest if these 5 clowns appeared at a financial gathering eh?

---> who we are : Clarity Credit Management

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

I have now received Hilarity's first custard pie.

Are they serious?

I assume the reason they've sent me this bog roll is because they want me to give them money. Yet, nowhere on this extraordinary supplication does it ask me to do that!!! On their website, they offer, and I quote, “Effective Lettering”!!!!! You couldn't write a worse sales letter than this if you shoved the pen up your arse and did an exotic belly dance.

Two threats as usual. The first is court, but they only say they will “consider recommending to our client” that they take legal action. So, it is not “Do what we tell you or we'll send the Sicilians round to crush your skull and nail your kneecaps to the floor”, it is “Please guess what we want you to do because we can't write letters well enough to tell you, and if you don't we'll tell our Mummy”.

The other one is the usual home visit from their “representative” Fieldcall Ltd. Well, it is very rural up where they are, so there are plenty of fields to call on. I suggest they send the Chief Executive, because that will save the farmer from having to build a scarecrow. Honestly, do they think I give a flying you know what whether some dickhead comes and stands outside my door or not? They can come and stand in the plant pot while I fill it with concrete if they like. If they want to come and collect something, there is always the rubbish that the bastard neighbours have dumped in my garden.

I should probably send off an Account Sold in Dispute template, along with Doorstep Harassment, but I honestly cannot bear wasting twelve bob on a postage stamp over that pile of impotent clown spittle. I think even the ink started crying when they put it on the page.

I'll wait for the next one, I think, and then if I can stop laughing long enough I'll mortgage my mousehole and raise twelve bob for the stamp. The longer these clowns are on the case the less time Crappy Bot will have when they get it back.

When I do write to them I think I'll offer to go up there and run a seminar on how to write a sales letter. It might be a bloody long one at £500 an hour.......

If you can prop your eyelids open, tune in for the next instalment. At least it is better than daytime TV.

SH

[Fred Bassett]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Their search facility doesn't work too well either:

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

I've now received Hilarity's custard pie No. 2.

These letters really are pitiful even by DCA standards. It is hard to believe they are even effective on the uninformed masses, never mind AAD members. They want you to give them money, but they don't even say so! A sales letter without a 'call to action' is never going to get a result.

Oh, there was one letter which said 'Call us on 0844 561 1715'. Right, I will.

Hilarity, you are 'on 0844 561 1715'. There, that was good, wasn't it?

Their latest clownogram actually wants me to make them an offer!! OK, I will. If you naff off and leave me alone, I won't complain to the OFT. Deal?

It says “our client has advised us that they will consider any offer, however small, to settle the balance”. Do they really mean that? Right, as I'm such a wonderfully generous sort of a chap, the next time I find a penny coin (which is really worth two point four proper pence!) in the street, I will gladly sacrifice it to get these goons off my back. They will have to come and collect it, of course.

I notice on October Revolution's thread that he got rid of Hilarity with one letter, so I suppose I will now have to waste my time and money trying to compose something in monosyllables which they might actually understand, and then send it by Royal Snail recorded delivery. That is one pound and forty-five new fangled pence. One pound nine shillings of English money! On this shower!! I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity.

I have attached PDF versions of all of the clownograms I have received, just so that anyone else who has to deal with Hilarity has a reference point. In my experience, DCA threat letters usually come in the same sequence no matter what the circumstances of each alleged account. They are obviously just sent by machine.

Note to mods – please don't remove the attachments because I've left my personal information on them – that is not actually my real name and address.

SH

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

You have too much time on your hands - loving the graphics and name changes mate - brilliant job

Just goes to show how Carey and the subsequent recons is manipulative to say the least....

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Note to mods – please don't remove the attachments because I've left my personal information on them – that is not actually my real name and address.

SH

Are you implying our mods are thick enough to presume you're a Disney superstar visiting from Orlando Florida?

Feckin qwackers if you quask me

[helmsman]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Are you implying our mods are thick enough to presume you're a Disney superstar visiting from Orlando Florida?

Feckin qwackers if you quask me

Niddy Ill let you know in September

[Never-In-Doubt]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Niddy Ill let you know in September

[ScabHunter]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

You have too much time on your hands - loving the graphics and name changes mate - brilliant job

Just goes to show how Carey and the subsequent recons is manipulative to say the least....

That is the frightening factor in all of this.

I can do most things on a computer, but at graphics I am totally and utterly useless. Those letters were modified slightly using a free software program called Paint.NET, by a complete beginner who scarcely understands how 90% of the functions work, and who has never put in any time to practice even the ones he does understand.

If you can get a tolerable result from that, with atrocious quality monochrome scans from a public library, think what a multi-talented uber-geek like Flowerpower could do with high quality scans and Adobe Photoshop.

There really is no end to the deception which could take place.

SH

[The Tech Clerk]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

Why stamp the envelope to them??? other than wanting to recoreded delivery the letter?? just a thought.

[Fred Bassett]

Re: ScabHunter v Crapbot Farcical

There really is no end to the deception which could take place.SH

Could or does?