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  • #31
    Re: youngest moved out today

    Originally posted by julian View Post
    A painful situation probably because of pecuniary embarrassment. £1000 is not a lot after tax, NI, rent and utilities when he thinks he should be on holiday, out with mates etc. Whereas you and his sibling(s) have..... whether true or not. He cannot afford a child even if he wanted one etc. etc.

    He is acting like a 2 year old. Treat him like one. Ignore him until he gets over the tantrum.

    I, personally, would forget you received any texts. If you have his address, send him nice Christmas Card with a brief Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year Love Mum and Dad xxxxxx. Then, enjoy your grandson and the rest of Christmas. Don't cut any ties and he will eventually see sense. I would also not tell the rest of the family about the episode, but tell them if they ask that you saw him last week, he was well and will be doing his own thing over Christmas. If they then contact him, he cannot blame you for anything else, and will see how nasty he has been (hopefully).

    He lives at her mothers house so should have money , if i wanted to just go and meet up with him to secure a christmas present as he put it for my grandson i may as well have just given a tenna to my grandson as that's what diesel costs to go see him , i will have a great Christmas for sure my grandson makes sure of that . Most of what was said was her words but he has his own mind so to blame .
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    • #32
      Re: youngest moved out today

      totally agree with Julian, Leave them to it.
      I have a niece who has two grownup children, her daughter now has two children, they live 12 miles from My mum, they have not been to see her for the last 12 months, they posted her Birthday card to her, no flowers no chocolates,
      last Christmas Mum spent £10 on all of them £50 in total, she got one card and a £1.99 box of biscuits from all of them, they stayed for 10 mins as they had arranged to go for lunch with friends. They are in for a shock this year as I am doing mums Christmas shopping, they know she has been in hospital and the problems we have had on her release, have they called in on her NO!!
      I bet they are the first in the door when we are emptying the house when (IF) mum goes into residential care.
      Take care of yourself S2M and have a great Christmas xxx
      I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

      If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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      • #33
        Re: youngest moved out today

        Originally posted by nightwatch View Post
        totally agree with Julian, Leave them to it.
        I have a niece who has two grownup children, her daughter now has two children, they live 12 miles from My mum, they have not been to see her for the last 12 months, they posted her Birthday card to her, no flowers no chocolates,
        last Christmas Mum spent £10 on all of them £50 in total, she got one card and a £1.99 box of biscuits from all of them, they stayed for 10 mins as they had arranged to go for lunch with friends. They are in for a shock this year as I am doing mums Christmas shopping, they know she has been in hospital and the problems we have had on her release, have they called in on her NO!!
        I bet they are the first in the door when we are emptying the house when (IF) mum goes into residential care.
        Take care of yourself S2M and have a great Christmas xxx

        Thank you i will do i am stronger than last year as i had a breakdown at the beginning of January through all this with my son and sick parents , but i am well now and enjoying life again . My dad is very ill but i am coping with that now too , my son made it clear and he doesn't love me but i still love him but he can come to me if he wants i won't be running after him .
        Sorry to hear about your mum I really am , glad you've done the Christmas shopping too and they will be sorry for sure for cutting your mum out . My husband was going ring him but i said don't he made it clear let him live his life .
        Merry Christmas to you too and Julian and everyone on here God bless you all xxx
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        • #34
          Re: youngest moved out today

          Originally posted by Spent2much View Post
          Well my son lives an hour away from us , so two weeks ago we arranged to meet up with him and his girlfriend , they were 45 minutes late , we wondered around the shops and it was hinted more than once that they would appreciate a cup of coffee and a burger , we didn't have much money and told them we wouldn't be having anything .

          As we were wondering around the shops his girlfriend pointed to some big Christmas gift bags which they had bought for her best friends kids and I casually asked whether they were buying for my grandson 3 years old , there was no answer so i asked again and the answer was NO . Well when we got home i text my son and asked why he wasn't buying for his only nephew and i got a reply saying . Don't be rude it has nothing to do with you and if my finances are all you're bothered about then i don't want you in my life , so i just text back and said , i don't think a simple question is rude i didn't ask anything about your financial situation but if you're being like this then no problem .

          I then went on facebook and noticed that his girlfriend had blocked me although she wasn't a friend she just used chat to ask me things lol .

          Well i just think i will leave my son to it now he seems to be controlled by this girl and he has to find out the hard way .

          What a Merry Christmas present that was .
          I am sorry that you're going through this. When someone is apparently under the control of another, you have to be so careful with what you say or how it is said. It's a bit like Stockholm Syndrome where the person feels more empathy for the captor, as it were, than the person's own family/ friends. Time is a great healer as they say, am sure your son will come back into your life in the not too distant future. But please do not say 'no problem' as it will just make him angry at you, which worsens the situation. You have to be objective and not provoke (as hard as that is.

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          • #35
            Re: youngest moved out today

            Originally posted by Helper2015 View Post
            I am sorry that you're going through this. When someone is apparently under the control of another, you have to be so careful with what you say or how it is said. It's a bit like Stockholm Syndrome where the person feels more empathy for the captor, as it were, than the person's own family/ friends. Time is a great healer as they say, am sure your son will come back into your life in the not too distant future. But please do not say 'no problem' as it will just make him angry at you, which worsens the situation. You have to be objective and not provoke (as hard as that is.
            Things have been said both ways im afraid and we made it up, but this time i didn't say or do anything wrong . I'm in a bit of a sticky situation too right now , he owes the garage we use 260 quid and the guy is a mate of ours and so is/was his partner and she contacted me yesterday said we are liars and un-christian as we told our son not to pay his debt which simply isn't true , i replied told her my son isn't speaking to us and she basically said not her problem and she wants the money , as if we would pay this debt . Anyway she wants us to drive an hour away to get the address where he his living as we only know the way and not the address and this is honestly the situation , but she called us liars and was really rude so why should we help her out . Her partner is fine but she was just so nasty . I don't know if its our business to go and tell them his address as it would make things worse for us , does anyone agree ?
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            • #36
              Re: youngest moved out today

              Don't get involved. He is your son, but legally and morally the debt is not yours. You could pay, if you had the money, but it is not your responsibility.

              The garage will have details that it could use to find your son. You could, maybe, get the address from the electoral roll,or by 'walking ' along the Google Maps street view.

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              • #37
                Re: youngest moved out today

                Originally posted by julian View Post
                Don't get involved. He is your son, but legally and morally the debt is not yours. You could pay, if you had the money, but it is not your responsibility.

                The garage will have details that it could use to find your son. You could, maybe, get the address from the electoral roll,or by 'walking ' along the Google Maps street view.

                My husband says he doesn't want to get involved so we're not going to help find him . We can't afford to pay but if we did have the money we would .
                He is still our son and even though he has cut us off we still love him always will and when he comes back we will welcome him , he is influenced right now and we don't want to make it any worse than it is .

                I think we need to tell the guy at the garage that we are advised not to get involved because of the situation already and it is our son we have to tread carefully . Family are important .
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                • #38
                  Re: youngest moved out today

                  Well my son and his devil girlfriend sure know how to twist the knife , they drove an hour to our town to visit my parents and others last night , my mother told me that they are looking for a flat together and brought my dad (his gra nddad ) a birthday card and present , when i asked if she mentioned anything about how he is treating me she told me 'its not my business' right so now i know where family loyalty is , my own mother doesn't care .
                  Well i couldn't stay there i walked out and now im too blame as usual , all i am is a cleaner and carer and expected to do so.
                  Feel like crap and nothing will convince me that this is right and if my grandchild had treated my son's this way i would have to say so not welcome them into my home as if nothing has happened, seems wrong and i feel so unimportant.
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                  • #39
                    Re: youngest moved out today

                    S2M,
                    I am sorry you are hurting like this, but you are picking at a sore spot and making it fester.
                    Please,please, take a step back before you make yourself ill, You are hurt and you are angry, because of the anger and pain you feel you could of taken any thing said personally when it wasn't meant that way
                    probably you will be angry with me in a moment,but I say this as someone that cares, not to hurt you

                    Ok they visited your mum, she is probably trying to stay out of any argument and she is still his gran.
                    she didn't have to tell you they had been, would you have been angry at that? Yes you would, so she was in the wrong no matter what she did

                    You cannot expect your family to cut them off, just because that's what you want, life doesn't work that way.Your argument is with your son and girlfriend not your parents,or family,
                    My brother and his son haven't spoken for years, My nephew did something he is ashamed of and because of pride cannot now back down and admit it.
                    Brother has a granddaughter he has never met, my mum, his gran would give the earth to see him and meet her great granddaughter, but he won't visit or phone her because of his Dad
                    sadly now it is too late, mum would not know who her grandson and GGdaughter were.

                    If you don't want to talk to your son, so be it, but don't ask your Family to be in 'your gang' it will cause more pain and grief , each person lives life their way, it cannot be controlled
                    all I am trying to say is. Let it go. life can be short don't let anger take control

                    I wish you well xxxxx
                    I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                    If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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                    • #40
                      Re: youngest moved out today

                      Originally posted by Spent2much View Post
                      Well my son and his devil girlfriend sure know how to twist the knife , they drove an hour to our town to visit my parents and others last night , my mother told me that they are looking for a flat together and brought my dad (his gra nddad ) a birthday card and present , when i asked if she mentioned anything about how he is treating me she told me 'its not my business' right so now i know where family loyalty is , my own mother doesn't care .
                      Well i couldn't stay there i walked out and now im too blame as usual , all i am is a cleaner and carer and expected to do so.
                      Feel like crap and nothing will convince me that this is right and if my grandchild had treated my son's this way i would have to say so not welcome them into my home as if nothing has happened, seems wrong and i feel so unimportant.

                      This situation has been going on in life since time began, most of us been through it at some time or other, time usually spans the situation to a resolution? either way! more I found you try to change things etc the worse it can get, sit back and let it pan out albeit might be a while>
                      I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                      If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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                      • #41
                        Re: youngest moved out today

                        Originally posted by nightwatch View Post
                        S2M,
                        I am sorry you are hurting like this, but you are picking at a sore spot and making it fester.
                        Please,please, take a step back before you make yourself ill, You are hurt and you are angry, because of the anger and pain you feel you could of taken any thing said personally when it wasn't meant that way
                        probably you will be angry with me in a moment,but I say this as someone that cares, not to hurt you

                        Ok they visited your mum, she is probably trying to stay out of any argument and she is still his gran.
                        she didn't have to tell you they had been, would you have been angry at that? Yes you would, so she was in the wrong no matter what she did

                        You cannot expect your family to cut them off, just because that's what you want, life doesn't work that way.Your argument is with your son and girlfriend not your parents,or family,
                        My brother and his son haven't spoken for years, My nephew did something he is ashamed of and because of pride cannot now back down and admit it.
                        Brother has a granddaughter he has never met, my mum, his gran would give the earth to see him and meet her great granddaughter, but he won't visit or phone her because of his Dad
                        sadly now it is too late, mum would not know who her grandson and GGdaughter were.

                        If you don't want to talk to your son, so be it, but don't ask your Family to be in 'your gang' it will cause more pain and grief , each person lives life their way, it cannot be controlled
                        all I am trying to say is. Let it go. life can be short don't let anger take control

                        I wish you well xxxxx

                        yep i am angry i think my parents are traitors and i might cut the lot of them out , my mother has never shown me love she doesn't know how to be affectionate , i might as well be dead, my parents told me they would tell him if he turned up to see them , they were cowards .
                        It isn't me that doesn't want to talk to my son , its my son and his blob that cut me off .
                        Last edited by Spent2much; 8th January 2016, 10:01.
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                        • #42
                          Re: youngest moved out today

                          S2M, I agree with what NW says even though you might find it painful. You are in a horrible situation where things are taken the wrong way, bitterness is building up and everything is spiralling out of control. I too would feel very hurt.

                          I hope you take what I say in the spirit that it is meant; as someone who cares and is not being judgmental. I suggest that when you are feeling calm, you write a letter to your youngest son telling him how much you love him, how much the situation is hurting you and that you want him in your life. Don't go into details or apportion blame etc. If you don't get a reply or get a reply that isn't what you want then you know you've tried.

                          Please let go of your anger in whatever way you find helpful; prayer, meditation, exercise or kicking the cat (only joking about the last one ) If you keep hold of the anger you will only make yourself ill. If you let your anger get the better of you in your relationships with your son and your parents then the breakdown in your relationships might be irretrievable.

                          d420ba2e6bcc16f95a8816605f30813c.jpg

                          Sending you hugs x
                          Let your smile change the world but don't let the world change your smile


                          I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                          If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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                          • #43
                            Re: youngest moved out today

                            Wise words Pix hugs S2M xxxx
                            if you do it today and you like it you can always do it again tomorrow


                            I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                            If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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                            • #44
                              Re: youngest moved out today

                              Been out with my mum this morning everything is okay with us , she bought me some flowers lol . We did discuss the situation and i just said , i have no problem with my son visiting its good that he does and i said it is the controlling girlfriend that bugs me , anyway we're fine i re ally wish my son would get in touch , life is too short and it made me realize this today when i received news that my cousin has had a massive brain bleed and might not survive, makes me very sad and all this is very unimportant compared to what my cousin is going through and his wife and daughters .
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                              • #45
                                Re: youngest moved out today

                                So glad things are OK with you and mum and you're right family and health are far to important xxxxxx
                                if you do it today and you like it you can always do it again tomorrow


                                I'm an official AAD Moderator and also a volunteer, here to help make the forum run smoothly. Any views or opinions are mine and not the official line of AAD. Similarly, any advice I have offered you is done so on an informal basis, without prejudice or liability. If in doubt seek advice from a qualified insured professional - Find a Solicitor or go to the National Probono Centre.

                                If you spot an abusive or libellous post then please report it by Clicking Here. If you need to contact me, for instance if I've issued you a warning, moved, edited or deleted your post, please send me a message by clicking my username.

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