Everything getting on top of me.

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Well, sister's just phoned and I stood up to her:

She called to say Vanquis are getting antsy about wanting their money (a whopping £250). I used the opportunity to say that the mortgage people will want paying once the probate goes through. She said it's fine, as long as we tell them we intend to sell it. She doesn't seem to realise that they'll want proof of that, not just her say so :

She was going on and on and on about having to clear the house out, saying it was disgusting that I sent the email, and disgusting that I raised points about what if dad dies in the next five years after gifting us thousands, what if he goes into a care home etc. Dad understood where I was coming from, that it was practicality, sister thought I was wishing him dead and being money grabbing.

Anyway, I told her twice that I wasn't up to this conversation, that the crisis psych team are involved and that I've been suicidal over it all.

She didn't listen and carried on having a go at me.

I told her that she's already broken the law by taking (ok, I said stealing) the car (and getting awkward with me for saying I'll have furniture instead, it's not fair that she doesn't get any, even though the value of all the furniture combined is less than that of the car. And I don't want all of it anyway). and that throwing stuff out and putting in a new kitchen is also something she doesn't have the legal right to do. She said that's ridiculous, that she's not stealing dust and muck by cleaning the place :

Then I told her that I'm going to hand it all over to a probate solicitor because I'm just not up to dealing with it. If it costs me a few grand then it's worth it to avoid self harm or throwing myself under a car.

She said I could hand it all over to her

So I very calmly said that I wont do that because I don't trust her. It's harsh and horrible, but I just don't trust her to act in my best interests. Then said again that I can't have this conversation now, and hung up.

Her numbers are also wrong too. She thinks if dad sells his house for 165k, we'll get 80k each.

Errr, it's five k to pay back dad what he's spent on mum's house.
30k for the mortgage.
a few k for conveyencing fees etc.

So we should come out with around 60k each.

I really do wonder what planet she lives on sometimes.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself for staying calm and just repeating my position.

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Yes, she meant (said, I probably didn't put it clearly) that once the letters of administration are issued, the debts of the estate have to be settled before distribution to the beneficiaries. And that the mortgage company wont wait forever for their money while sister drags her heels and insists on waiting for some magical change in the housing market.

[garlok]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Oh and sorry the only bill that can be paid from the estate is the actual Funeral Director's bill normally 30 days. Anything else leaves you open to an acuusation of theft.

Garlok

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Sorry, yes, I meant I'd have all the power once the letters of administration come through.

[garlok]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Hi Ames,

At this moment in time until Letters of Administration have been granted no one has any power at all and the status quo at the point in time of your mother's death must be maintained.

regards
Garlok

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

A very nice lady from IM has just called me back.

She says I do have a duty to maximise the estate, but as no-one knows how the market is going to change, selling it quickly to avoid a further down turn is perfectly acceptable, although if I wanted to really cover myself I could get expert advice from an EA, especially about the work sister's doing. I equally have a responsibility to stop it losing value, which it could well do if left till Spring.

She said that as I have all the power sister can't do much.

The further complication (in my favour) is the mortgage. As all debts, including the mortgage, have to be settled before disbursement, in practical terms that means the mortgage co will want it selling asap to get the money. If sister has a problem with that she'll have to buy me out and pay off the mortgage herself.

So, basically what I've been telling sis all along - but since it comes from someone with the right letters after their name she's more likely to listen. (I'll leave out the bit about them being a crap company).

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Hi Ames,

Hope you will read all of this when you awake. Getting a legal rep is the first step in getting the stress out of the way. On the question of your mother's estate, most decent solicitors will work through this for you at a very small percentage of the estates' total worth. So, it'd cost me a few thousand then? (estate value after debts IRO 125k, although that includes the car which sister has and wont give me a share of the value of). If they are forced into a court situation (which they will win IMVHO) by your sister and father it will be your sister with the big bill and I do know of cases similar where the solicitor acting for someone such as yourself has reported matters to the probate court and the transgressor has been hauled before them on contempt.

I would venture to suggest that there is some underlying agenda that your father and sister do not want legal professionals to be involved. I have not come across such reluctance in the past as there can be pitfalls indoing it all yourself when property in particular is involved. It's purely money. Why pay someone thousands to do something you can do yourself. A family friend died last year and his widow dealt with it on her own - but of course that was far more straightforward as everything just went to her. (no will there either).

Don't worry about the clearance issues, that will be dealt in the fulness of time when the estate is settled by the PERSON or persons granted the L of A's. Most family law people have a range of local contacts to help with all of this (something you won't get from the big corporates) I've actually got the opposite problem - they want to get rid of everything, including all the furniture. I want to keep some of it, as if/when I buy a house I'll need more furniture. . Take another look at legal aid for your own issues Ok, I'll give the law advice poeople a ring, although I'm pretty certain legal aid isn't available for this kind of thing. and don't worry about LPAs, as I have said , for a good local sol they have to act in your best interests only and yours alone, they will be deprived of their careers if they fail to do so. If someone has LPA over my affairs, how much control do they have? Do they decide how much I get for certain things, ie give me a food budget, would I have to ask over every purchase - ie, if I want to go into town for a coffee? Or is it just to keep an eye on my spending? Also, once this is all over and I'm back on an even keel, how hard would it be to stop the LPA and take control of my affairs again?

See how you get on but please act with some speed now. If you are stuck I have been made aware of a specialist in the Malvern Worcs area for vulnerable adults ( due to my OH's younger brother) and will get all their contact details if you are really stuck. But local may be best for you first. My cousin works for an advocacy service for adults with mental health, I've been seriously thinking about getting in touch with them.

regards
Garlok

When you say get a local solicitor, is that local to me or to the estate?

Dad's interested still in buying the house, but he's going to do it all above board, put the offer in writing, go through a solicitor etc. He's come round to my way of thinking a lot, I think he was really shocked at the way sister was talking to me last night, he probably didn't realise how bad she is with me.

He said he'll buy it for the valuation, and if he has more profit than that from his house then he'll split it and give it to us.

They're both offended by the thought of needing insurance while they're working on the house. I was going to buy some myself for peace of mind, but I guess since they'll be working illegally the insurance would be invalid anyway.

Ugh, yes, a solicitor is vital isn't it. I'll get onto it on Monday, my head's just too mashed today.

[garlok]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Hi Ames,

Hope you will read all of this when you awake. Getting a legal rep is the first step in getting the stress out of the way. On the question of your mother's estate, most decent solicitors will work through this for you at a very small percentage of the estates' total worth. If they are forced into a court situation (which they will win IMVHO) by your sister and father it will be your sister with the big bill and I do know of cases similar where the solicitor acting for someone such as yourself has reported matters to the probate court and the transgressor has been hauled before them on contempt.

I would venture to suggest that there is some underlying agenda that your father and sister do not want legal professionals to be involved. I have not come across such reluctance in the past as there can be pitfalls indoing it all yourself when property in particular is involved.

Don't worry about the clearance issues, that will be dealt in the fulness of time when the estate is settled by the PERSON or persons granted the L of A's. Most family law people have a range of local contacts to help with all of this (something you won't get from the big corporates). Take another look at legal aid for your own issues and don't worry about LPAs, as I have said , for a good local sol they have to act in your best interests only and yours alone, they will be deprived of their careers if they fail to do so.

See how you get on but please act with some speed now. If you are stuck I have been made aware of a specialist in the Malvern Worcs area for vulnerable adults ( due to my OH's younger brother) and will get all their contact details if you are really stuck. But local may be best for you first.

regards
Garlok

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

The point about sister having a claim against me was that she could accuse me of not acting in the best interest of the estate and beneficiaries.

Whether one calls such an assertion stercus bovi or more bluntly "bullshit", the fact remains that it is utter nonsense. One cannot predict with even moderate certainty how a market will behave seven months hence, as there may be an interest rate hike before then or there may be changes made to stamp duty. The selling price of the house could be lower in April 2012, even if it was "fresh to the market".

Anyway, hadn't your sister cooked up a somewhat Balwickian cunning plan whereby Daddy dearest would buy the house?

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

The point about sister having a claim against me was that she could accuse me of not acting in the best interest of the estate and beneficiaries.

I totally agree with you though!

Just heard from DIAL again, he says I need to get to grips with the legal stuff and then we'll get together. I've told him that I have to buy a house because of my health problems, and he said he'd support me with appealing a deprivation of capital accusation.

Now I'm going back to bed - I didn't get to sleep while gone 6, and was woken by the CPN at ten. I'm still waiting for two or three calls though, what's the betting they come in just as I'm nodding off...

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

IM called me back, and I was quite pleasantly surprised (I was expecting the worst though). She said that as I'm the one who's going to be administer, I can sell the house without sister's permission (mwahahahah), but if it goes up in value between me selling it and April, when sister wants to sell it, she could have a claim against me for that.

I believe the legal term for that assertion is/was stercus bovi.

She suggested that I could hand over administration duties to their probate team, but there wasn't a hard sell.

Well, as long as you don't include the fatuous assertion that you could be liable merely for having performed your duty as an executor in a timely manner.

I've agreed to speak to their probate and wills team, partly to see how much it'd cost to get them to administer everything, but also to see what they suggest about my half of the money, trusts and things, since I don't trust myself to be responsible for so much money given my MI.

I probably wont go with them, but I might as well pump them for free info.

I'd not trust them even as much as I'd trust the mind-bending, money-grabbing cult of $cientology.

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Right Ames,

Thanks for keeping us up to date. My advice would be do not instruct IM in these matters. I would very quickly get a decent local solicitor instruct to act on your behalf and I mean QUICKLY!!!! You need someone who is au fait with Family Law which encompasses end of life, bereavement, probate etc. Thanks, I think I'm going to do that. Dad thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't think he realises how bad sister's being. He sounded shocked last night when she was laying into me on the phone. I'll look into it on Monday, I've got lots of medical phonecalls coming in today.

None of you can actually do ANYTHING AT ALL until Letters of Administration have been granted to you or whoever. It is an offence for anything to be removed or disposed of from your mother's house. REALLY!! I know, but however many times I say it, in however many ways, all I get from dad and sister is 'it needs doing, you can't leave it forever and a day'.

You are now entering a phase with your mental health issues which could render you under the law (your sister seems to be volatile enough to do it) incapable. I totally agree. I've been regretting being the one to put the probate forms in, because it means I have to be the one to see it through. As for sister, as I was saying to my meical people yesterday, this is just her MO. Firstly she argues and tells me I'm wrong. Then she says I misunderstood her and she was actually being all sweetness and light. Then she blames everything on my mental illness. So it is a big worry for me. As long as you have legal reps in place prior to any further progress with your Psych issues then you will be OK and that may mean LPAs as well for you. Nothing to be afraid of but YOUR interests will then be looked after not those of your sister or father. I'm not sure about LPA, I don't want to have someone else in control of my day to day spending, I'm managing fine with that, it's just the big stuff I'm struggling with. On the other hand, it would also take away the stress of the benefits situation, as they'd be in control. I'd just be worried that solicitors don't usually understand benefits and might not make the right decisions about my inheritance.

The diabetes issues can be looked after without much interruption to your life. I have a friend now in his sixties who has been injecting insulin daily since he was 5 years of age. He's OK and gets about better then me. Plus in our family we have a close relative diagnosed in his sixties with age onset D. Does fine with a tablet or two per day and more or less does as he pleases now it has stabilised. (even drinks red wine!).

Get rid of the stress and offload it all onto a professional who does this for living. I think that's going to have to be my strategy.

regards
Garlok

Can anyone give me a ballpark figure for how much I'd have to pay a professional? I'm happy to pay, money is far less important than my health, I just need to be able to budget for it.

I've also made the decision to use my inheritance to buy a house. If I have to cut back and budget tightly for six years then so be it, now that I'm at risk of circulatory problems I can't carry on living in a house with no heating. I'll have to muddle through next winter because of the timescales.

[garlok]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Right Ames,

Thanks for keeping us up to date. My advice would be do not instruct IM in these matters. I would very quickly get a decent local solicitor instruct to act on your behalf and I mean QUICKLY!!!! You need someone who is au fait with Family Law which encompasses end of life, bereavement, probate etc.

None of you can actually do ANYTHING AT ALL until Letters of Administration have been granted to you or whoever. It is an offence for anything to be removed or disposed of from your mother's house. REALLY!!

You are now entering a phase with your mental health issues which could render you under the law (your sister seems to be volatile enough to do it) incapable. As long as you have legal reps in place prior to any further progress with your Psych issues then you will be OK and that may mean LPAs as well for you. Nothing to be afraid of but YOUR interests will then be looked after not those of your sister or father.

The diabetes issues can be looked after without much interruption to your life. I have a friend now in his sixties who has been injecting insulin daily since he was 5 years of age. He's OK and gets about better then me. Plus in our family we have a close relative diagnosed in his sixties with age onset D. Does fine with a tablet or two per day and more or less does as he pleases now it has stabilised. (even drinks red wine!).

Get rid of the stress and offload it all onto a professional who does this for living.

regards
Garlok

[Ames]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

Well, the MH crisis team came out last night, my GP had contacted them. After being assessed for an hour they said they were going to refer me to see a CPN (Community Psych Nurse) within three days, and for psychotherapy. I really think I need long term help in making sure I stay on top of the diabetes, and don't go manic or depressed and stop caring.

So I called my dad who was really supportive. Sister was there, and she was slightly less supportive. She kept going on about how we need to get together and talk about all the house stuff, and giving the times she's up from London. I kept trying to tell her that I'll be having so many medical appointments over the next few weeks that I just can't commit to a time. Not good enough for her. In the end I snapped and told her that the psych team had just been out, and that I needed to get things sorted with that. She couldn't understand why the psych team had been involved, why I'd got upset in the GP's yesterday, and why it was a big deal, since I 'knew I'd had the tests' so it couldn't have been that big a shock.

I could hear dad in the background telling her to calm down, which was amazing, since he's nearly always on his side. He knows what I'm going through though, since he has diabetes.

He's also said that he'll take on as much as he can with the house - clearing it, getting estate agents in and stuff. And that it'll all be done with my benefits situation in mind.

Even sister said a family friend had suggested that she could take on more of a role in it all and she agreed.

So I'm feeling better about that. Dad wants us all to sit down and discuss everything in a few weeks when we can all make it, which I'm more than happy to do.

So, this morning I've called immunology to let them know, as it'll affect my treatment.

The CPN has called, I've got an assessment a week on monday, although she seems keen on increasing my support worker contact, which isn't what I want - I think I need medical supervision. I'll just have to see how that goes.

IM called me back, and I was quite pleasantly surprised (I was expecting the worst though). She said that as I'm the one who's going to be administer, I can sell the house without sister's permission (mwahahahah), but if it goes up in value between me selling it and April, when sister wants to sell it, she could have a claim against me for that. She suggested that I could hand over administration duties to their probate team, but there wasn't a hard sell. I've agreed to speak to their probate and wills team, partly to see how much it'd cost to get them to administer everything, but also to see what they suggest about my half of the money, trusts and things, since I don't trust myself to be responsible for so much money given my MI.

I probably wont go with them, but I might as well pump them for free info.

So, that's where things are at today. I'm feeling a lot calmer and more positive.

Thanks so much for all the support x

[charitynjw]

Re: Everything getting on top of me.

I hadn't but, when my late father died eight years ago, those hearse-chasers weren't even a twinkle in a salesman's eye.

I did all the work myself and, from what I can recall of the process, I'd not have said it was worth even £200, let alone ten times that.

So that's a maybe, then?