Hooray Hall - Adventures of a Handyman Part 2

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Lady H is a prize cow

Did you mean that she's udderly stupid?

[Pixie]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

A big hug for you Handy.

Lady H is a prize cow and I don't know how you managed not to tell her to stuff her hot water problem...or tell her that you'll invoice her at double time.

Look after yourself and Mrs Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, it's been a while again! so to update you on what's been happening to me.

As most of you will be aware Mrs Handy went into hospital last week to have a new knee fitted.

Last Sunday evening Lady Hooray called round to see her, don't worry everything will be all right. Take your time in recovering. If when you feel up to it just come and do a couple of hours washing and ironing for me. (The hall has it's own laundry room and Lady H wont even wash a pair of King size smalls for herself.

No before the event I had arranged with HL that I would play things by ear as regards my hours and fitting in visits and Mrs Handy's aftercare.

So Monday I was at the hospital virtually all day although I did nip home in the afternoon to see to the dogs. So in all I did the 40 mile round trip 3 times.

Tuesday and Wednesday I visited in the afternoon, working as normal up to 1.30 and getting home at 4, then fitting in another Hour and a Half's work for Lady H. Wednesday teatime they let me bring Mrs Handy home.

Wednesday Evening Lady H came round with a bouquet of lily's and bottle of JD to welcome the missus home. She also brought @ £40 worth of ready meals from the local farm shop as she thought these may help ease my burden at lunch times.

On Thursday I worked in the pouring rain all day 8 1/2 hours in total. On Thursday evening Mrs H had a bit of a relapse. The on call Doctor said she would like her to go to County Hospital for a check up but as there was a shortage of Ambulances that evening could I take her.

Things eventually worked out OK and we got home at 1:30 am.

Friday Morning even though totally knackered I started work at my usual time. Now bearing in mind that between Thursday evening and Friday morning a whole months worth of rain had fallen, the first question I was asked by Lady Hooray was would I be able to get all the grass mowed. I replied I should be able to get the bottom lawn and the woodland walks done. The Frosty response was I hope you will get a dammed sight more than that done before you vanish into the shed your painting. I replied well the shed is your idea, and as to the top lawn you requested ordered that I should only use the push mower on it as you were bringing grass into the house on your feet when I use the ride on.

she then went on to tell me that I wasn't getting enough work done as I was spending too much time running around after Mrs Handy. This is coming from the woman who used to ask Mrs H and myself to visit his Lordship in hospital as she was far too busy going to art class or attending supper parties.

I don't know how I managed to walk out of the hall without smashing something.

At one point during the day I realised I was driving the mower, thinking about screaming and realised I actually was screaming at the top of my lungs.

Friday afternoon I had to take Mrs Handy to see the practice nurse down at our GP's to have her dressing checked and make an appointment to get the staples removed. we were only gone 40 minutes.

I worked flat out when I got back in order to get all the mowing finished. Then I had to go to the Hall to re-set the alarm on the inside lift. (Yes we even have a proper lift so the idle cow doesn't have to carry anything upstairs).

After I had got this done she got out a note pad, Handy I have recorded all your hours this week and it's going to be a slim one.

I thought I was working the weekend to make up the lost time I said? No you will probably need the time to look after Mrs Handy and I really should dock you the 2 hours you were missing this afternoon.

So this week I drew half pay, Mrs Handy is off so she didn't get paid. Remember the Hoorays employ us on a Self employed basis so they don't have to pay employers contributions. What I had to draw doesn't even cover my class 2 NI after I take away food.

At the moment I have a £450 electric bill hanging over me. So anything I was going to pay off this week was blown.

Saturday morning (yesterday) I went up to the Hall as usual with the post and to collect the empties. Could you look at the hot water in the guest wing as it appears to have gorn orff again.

So out with the tools and a quick fix, remember I don't get paid for weekends but if there is a problem I an expected to fix it.

As I was leaving she said I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding yesterday. I looked at her and said what misunderstanding. (She had friends with her at the time). You know the one about your wages. I said I'm sorry I really don't know what your on about as there was never any misunderstanding on my part.

I will never go into this sort of work again, the house is tied to the job and our ages are against us even if there wasn't a recession.

You read what's happening to housing benefit, pensions (which I don't have) and so on. And I think it's no bloody wonder I'm losing my mind.

Mrs H isn't helping much either as she's a lousy patient. But long before the operation her mind has started to wander. I just hope it's because of the constant pain she was / is in. But between her mood swings and Lady Hooray's attitude.

I think I should be trying a swig (a bloody big one) of Mrs Handy's Oramorph. The Whiskey and Scrump don't seem to be helping at all at the moment.

One thing I can foresee is there are going to be a lot of household malfunctions in the next few weeks. The lack of hot water in the guest wing will just be a minor inconvenience.

You know the last time she went off like this was when we had to rush up to Yorkshire after the Mother in Law had a Heart attack.

I remember writing about it on MSE at the time. You can't go at such short notice, I don't expect this behaviour from people I employ. On that occasion I reminded her that technically she didn't employ us and with the greatest respect if she didn't like it she knew what she could do .

Well that's it for now folk, I really wish I could have spent my time tonight finishing off my last story or telling you about the antics of the Cat or the Jackdaw I rescued or how easy it was to do the brakes on the car.

Anyway regards to all, as ever, Handy

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Do the Hoorays like clay pigeon shooting during the closed season?

I wonder how they'd like this version:

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

And are you [strike]smoking[/strike] vaping anything stronger than GV? It sounds like you may need the odd raid of the wine cabinet handy? Or one of my pills!!!:niddy


Och me? Nothing to report. Bar the normal lazy lout being even more lazy (eg. I'm just introverted - not self centred having a perm pity party - I will only take a job if it's a good one. A bad one will make me unwell.. - life will make you unwell - then the funniest - 'Pnet are good for the phone and the german supermarket is good too :' 'Well change from BT and go the the supermarket - it's only 20 mins walk away and take a rucksack ' - he's permanantly glued to who knows what on freeview not just news channels....as there's be loads of ads for both on my tv lately.....:

I forget to say with LL he won't cycle 'too dangerous'...well do like the local P folk do and cycle on the pavement. Even down roads that the most dangerous thing in them is.....line of parked cars!!!! He walks like he's majorly sedated. He's not...he's just an eejit!!!

Then....

Don't mention the elderly folk....:...thurs when transferring monies for a new mod :niddy (e-cig) he said 'you should manage your money better' 'no T they were monies set aside for e-cigs and I don't criticise you for 101 things I should cos you'll just have a strop. I just didn't want to prematurely spend them so I put them in a different account' What does he think of me?

Saturday - G (his sister they're both in their 80's and still working) says up till 4.30am cos she had to help a friend then goes into work for 9. I challenge her 'well that's what you do for a friend' (like I don't have basic social skills)' yeah I know but you shut the shop when you're not likely to be busy and like you're exhausted'. Fell on deaf ears.

Monday - G again. Said first thing that her learning disabled assistant was off sick and T - well she didn't know how he was - anyhow I phoned back at lunch to see how he was 'I have a customer and please don't phone more than two short calls a day as there's only me here and I have customers to deal with (not that they buy much. Most of the stock is unsellable/overpriced).....I was livid...

Now considering T calls himself a satellite pastor that's not very caring. I say anything - no apology 't was sick, I was x' - that's all I get from G...if I'm sick though the ball is on the other foot

Enough!!!

SC

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi Clever, your right on all counts. The wall is one of the few good walls in the place. When it was rebuilt around 30 years ago, some bricky placed the new bricks on top of the old lime mortar foundations without laying a Damp Course. Being an internal wall he probably thought it wouldn't need one. The whole back of this building is underground as it is dug into the hillside. Parts of the original walls can still be seen in the other parts (including my workshop). These date back to the 17th century or earlier.

When we get heavy rain (as in the last few days) I get a river coursing through from under my workbench. That coupled with the 4 families of Swallows that have taken up residence, you can imagine the difficulty I have in keeping my tools in good order.

Then Her Ladyship asks why I don't knock some nails in the wall to hang my tools from.

The other problem is that at sometime a previous owner had the buildings spray rendered. This was to save re-pointing all the Lime Mortar walls. Of course all this means is the moisture in the walls can only evaporate to the inside of the building, causing an even bigger problem.

This is why I have a major Damp and Dry Rot problem in my cottage. I told His Lordship when he was alive what it needed to cure the problem, but we were vetoed by HL as she wouldn't allow me to cut down the Wisteria and Honeysuckle on the walls to fit an Electrostatic Damp Course.

At some point it will cost her because the plaster and the kitchen units will fall down in the next year or so. Then it will have to be done properly this time.

Regards for now, Handy

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, sorry once more for not keeping my promise and updating regularly. On my last post I said I would tell you why I am Anti Drink driving,

Apart from the way that drinking and driving means that one spills most of it?

Anyway if you saw my posts this morning in your day in 3 words, you will have gathered that her Ladyship was being a complete cow this morning.

Perhaps she wanted you to milk her?

One of the outbuildings is used for Dog Washing, storing water softening salt (500Kgs), Tins of Paint, Bags of Compost, Cement, Gravel. Well you get the idea.

"Handy, that shed is a total disgrace its full of dust and cobwebs, the Whitewash is flaking off the walls and you have stored cardboard boxes in there to keep them dry so they will burn on the bonfire And its all your fault."

It wasn't, of course; the fact that the 'whitewash' was flaking was due to it having been applied to a surface where it was not really needed and to which it could not properly adhere.

I cannot be certain but, from your photo, it seems that the wall was built from stock bricks or Accrington bricks which are quite impervious to moisture and which are relatively smooth. Why, then, was it ever whitewashed in the first place?

When she got back around lunchtime she looked in to see how I was doing. I was in the middle of scraping the old Lime Wash off one of the Walls. At least this time I won one when she asked if I was going to Limewash the walls. I replied NO. Have you ever used Limewash? I asked. No was the reply It burns if you splash yourself. It also has the covering power of Dog Piss I replied, Masonry paint or nothing, it gets left as it is.

Unless there is some daft planning or listed property requirement for that wall to be white, I'd leave it alone.

If she tells me "Fathers Men used to do it this way" once more. Father has been gone this last 30 years and in the 30's and 40's was that popular with his Farm Workers (all tied to the job) he had to carry a loaded pistol in his pocket.

"Father's men" may also have built with asbestos panels, without a care in the world, but we now know better.

If the mad woman does insist on the wall being whitewashed, why not just apply a few coats of trade emulsion paint to it? She's hardly likely to know the difference.

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, sorry once more for not keeping my promise and updating regularly. On my last post I said I would tell you why I am Anti Drink driving, but something I wanted to share has vanished into the depths of my hard drive. Isn't it horrible when you can't remember the exact dates of major tragedies in your life? or is it just your minds way of protecting you?

Anyway if you saw my posts this morning in your day in 3 words, you will have gathered that her Ladyship was being a complete cow this morning.

One of the outbuildings is used for Dog Washing, storing water softening salt (500Kgs), Tins of Paint, Bags of Compost, Cement, Gravel. Well you get the idea.

Handy that shed is a total disgrace its full of dust and cobwebs, the Whitewash is flaking off the walls and you have stored cardboard boxes in there to keep them dry so they will burn on the bonfire And its all your fault.

There are a lot of paint brushes in a tin by the sink, what are they doing? There is also a Dog Turd in the sink

Well I replied more than a little icily, the paint brushes are mine, last used on several painting jobs I did for you, like the one last Thursday. As for the Turd you were the last one to was Ferdie, your Terrier in the sink so I can only assume it was yourself that left the sink filthy (I knew it was her. BTW I always wear Rubber Gloves when Dog Washing unlike HL )

As usual not much of a response, then she said I'm sure that that won't take you all day, so if it stays dry you will get the Top Lawn Mowed Today.

When she got back around lunchtime she looked in to see how I was doing. I was in the middle of scraping the old Lime Wash off one of the Walls. At least this time I won one when she asked if I was going to Limewash the walls. I replied NO. Have you ever used Limewash? I asked. No was the reply It burns if you splash yourself. It also has the covering power of Dog Piss I replied, Masonry paint or nothing, it gets left as it is.



If she tells me "Fathers Men used to do it this way" once more.
Father has been gone this last 30 years and in the 30's and 40's was that popular with his Farm Workers (all tied to the job) he had to carry a loaded pistol in his pocket.

I know exactly how they felt
Then she said to Mrs Handy, "is Handy all right he seems a little Glum this morning" AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH

Hopefully my blood pressure will be back to normal by tomorrow.

Regards all, Handy (only just grinning).

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Which do you reckon is better Handy? Steak (venison?) burgers with millie/squirrel poo or stovies? Stovies is quite a poor man's dish round here but still....

SC

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

I'd prefer stovies:

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2



Bung some millie poo in this and Lady Hooray is sorted

SC

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Still think you should get Mrs H to make Squirrel or Millie poo pie or bolognese...

Lace it with some bubbly and they won't notice the difference

Job done

SC

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

On a lighter note.



Mille and Cassie the Border Terrier sunning themselves by the kitchen doors.

Mille doesn't need the door if she wants to nip out. That's why she will be kept in tomorrow evening until the drunks have left

And the wild Garden by the rear of the Hall. Leucanthemum vulgare or Ox Eye Daisy as they call them down here. When I was growing up in Yorkshire we used to call them Moon Pennies which I think is a better name.


Regards all, Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, Mrs I if I ever get round to my memoirs you can have the first signed copy. Some of my stories I do write and save first, others like tonight I just get on line and let it go.

If Niddy ever lets me retrieve any of this he can have the first 60% royalties, hows that.

Anyway to nights thoughts are on something that hasn't happened yet. Tomorrow evening Lady Hooray is throwing a Birthday Party for her old friend the Honourable Edward Smallworth.

Now how this works is Edward calls up Lady H, Hillie old Gal, my place is a bit of a pigsty at the moment and my good Lady isn't really up to entertaining, can I hold my bash at your pile?
Only 20 or so guests. So he gets his party and it doesn't cost him a penny as Lady H will stand to the cost. If he does contribute it will be a case of Liddels finest champagne

Now I have mentioned The Hon Edward many times before, the incident where he admitted to a High Court Judge he has never had a Shotgun licence (as an old Etonian he doesn't need one) As well as his attitude to owning cars that require Tax, Test and Insurance. Only a couple of years ago his Jeep had a head on, his wife and son went through the windscreen he got cuts and bruises.
They had all had a drink, and weren't wearing seat belts. No Tax, Test and Insurance. It ended up being the other Chaps fault.

Well tomorrow I will be keeping all the pets in the house untill they have left. They will all be driving, even if they get stopped it won't matter. All that will happen is they get a lift home.

Let me explain about Edward, He looks and sounds like Michael Winner. In his own set he is called charming and witty. When I have been driving Lady Hooray and her friends I have heard them say, Ooh what a naught chap he is! Oh such a card. Can't keep it in his trousers.

One Day when he called at the hall, Lady H asked have you done anything useful today, Never done a useful thing in me life M' Dear was the reply.

He has never been known to pay a bill in full in his life. A couple of years ago he persuaded his children to let him sell the house they had been left by their Grandmother and invest the proceeds for them. He got through 1.5M in six months.

Now one of the flats he bought is about to get repossessed as he has not paid the ground rent and maintenance charge. He had to get a cheque off for £600 and sent one for £400. The developer returned it and has gone for the jugular.

If this goes through that will leave him 400K down. The house he is building in France has fallen fowl of the building inspector (you can get away with most things in France).

If anyone has read Bertie Wooster and remembers the Drones Society you will know where I am coming from with this.

If anyone ever tells you we live in a classless society in this country refer them to Handy

Tomorrow I will explain why I am against drink drivers. I put my hands up I have (years ago) gone on the road when I was over the top. But this lot just don't give a toss.

Regards all, Handy

[mrsinvisible]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

can I have a signed copy, when you do write it? As i have laughed, winced, cried and agreed with (not at) you all the way through your adventures so far. xx