Hooray Hall - Adventures of a Handyman Part 2

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Good Evening, I hope that those who have read my last few posts don't think that I am a Grumpy Old Man, well not that grumpy

I have become that which I used hope I would never become. I find now with age the things that others do that wind me up are the same things I used to do when I was younger.

I really have nothing against the Fod - Scrotums trying to build a business to save their ailing estate. Well I do really because they have run a good farming estate into the ground. What I mean is I have no problems with folk coming here for a relaxing holiday in the countryside, I do have a problem if the treat deepest Darzet like Ibiza.

I have the local wildlife to consider, I have hardly seen any deer this winter, It's rumoured that the local area has been badly hit by a poaching epidemic. I have seen nothing to bear this out on my side of the valley, I'm also partial to a Bambi Burger myself but they way the poachers go about it is obscene.

I'm not a great fan of Badgers and I know they are still about by the damage they do to the fences and paths in the woods. They tend to scrape large deep holes in the paths which they then fill with a large vile smelling poo which is like Channel No5 to a Labrador. But spotting a Badger is a rarity at the moment.

The Local Rabbit population has taken a hit with a 3rd year of Myxomatosis.

At least the Squirrel population is doing well. When we moved here over 5 years ago they had been wiped out by the former owners of the hall. Now we have 2 families of the tree rats running about and getting tamer by the day.

If the carry on emptying the Bird feeders twice a day like they are at the moment I will have to ask for a pay rise.

Check out the bird with the peanut in his beak in theis photograph.


Regards, Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Hi all, Hi SC you mean you didn't go round to inspect the ceilings?

Seriously I know a few like that, one chap I knew had taken the equivalent of 4 different degrees, he was an eternal Student but had never done one useful thing with all his education.

The others are sons of a friend of Lady Hooray's. Her friend is on record as never having done one useful thing in his life. His Sons (I know of at least 3) all get an allowance from their uncle, he lives in Liechtenstein and is a financial adviser, he looks after the Off Shore investments of such people as (Ras)Putin and several other Oligarchs. Not a bad life if you have an Uncle like that. Party all the time, enjoy Peruvian Marching powder and get pished with all the London Hooray's.

Not a bad way to put an Eton education to use. If they ever get bored or skint they could always try politics for a living.

Regards all, Handy

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Ceiling was fine in the main room...can't recall the bathroom, kitchen and hall...

Must pay another visit soon ....and rip that venetian out...volunteers?

SC

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Don't mention his bedsit. Barely fit for human habitation in terms of the papering etc.

Which you've evidently seen...

In what condition was the ceiling?

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Och brilliant Handy

Keep up the good work chum....

I now have the flu ...supposed to be going to the 'last CAP lunch' (yeah you heard it Christian against poverty - Christians against smoking even when you have a psychosis as well :P) today but don't know if I'll make it... - free food is always a good thing...

Though this evening I have parsnip soup to make in the kenwood chef (did I tell ye I got a kenwood chef for £24 the other week - my poor overdraft buying attachments so I can DV make more kitchen space).

Anyhow.....I never told you about the idiot (eejit) across the road from me...who can't budget as has 'the bank of Dad'....

Or did I?

This is the eejit who decided he wanted lower loan payments (and this is when he was getting Mid rate DLA? Go figure?) for who knows what so remortgages his flat. Then decides about 6 months later he doesn't want DLA anymore. A year later he's reapplying. Only two days before I shopped him for like being work shy. He's also got to go to the ESA tribunal and he won't get that either. He had two doc reports in with his DLA claim this time. He has no idea I shopped him. This is the chap who can't find the phone on the sofa (when it was right there in front of him) to charge it when looking after the boys and over feeds the boys at xmas on his own perogative yet has a biology degree (denegrade not even a 3rd). Did I also tell you he can't text and won't do the ECDL because he 'doesn't want more training'.....The degree is also 20 years old. He's 40 btw not 80 in case you were wondering. Stays in bed till 2pm..don't know what time he goes to bed and that's not meds induced...

Don't mention his bedsit. Barely fit for human habitation in terms of the papering etc. Has a huge thick blind in the main room (and it faces north) because he doesn't want 'low life nicking his stuff'...anyone else would get nets and a bamboo blind to let the light in :

Then goes on about how good he is. Won't even buy a microwave so doesn't eat. Won't shop at S local cos 'it has too many automated tills' and 'they do folk out of a job' :.....Yet will use their cash machine. Goes for an expensive latte and cake at least once a week and buys a diet coke from the other shop (more expensive) every day.....

I get so frustrated with him it's unreal....Yes he volunteers at the local bookstore but he's been doing that 8 years....

Handy ....manure again please? Can email you his addy...

SC

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Do you think I'm the kind of person to grass up the local nobility? No, but I have let the previous, Very Disgruntled tenant know what's happening as well as my mate Grizzly who was evicted from his cottage just before Christmas. He is now on notice to quit the barn and yard he rents form them for his logging business.

Don't get me wrong, I would be happy to do it myself but in my present position I can get more intelligence if I keep silent.

At the moment they have a fight on with English Heritage about the renovation of the 11th C Tithe Barn they are being forced to renovate. Mind you they have got a grant to help. I can't wait until EH find out instead of being a Village resource they are planning to turn it into rented Art Studios a Farm Shop ant Tea Room.

You have to remember as fully paid up members of the Khakistocracy they can do what ever they want

Yeh Right, shame they haven't met a few more like us

Regards, Handy

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Good Evening all, Update as promised. Remember back on Adventures part one I told you about our Local Squire Tarquin Fod - Scrotunm and His Wife who were evicting all their Tenants and turning thier homes into holiday lets Link allaboutFORUMS - View Single Post - CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman. Well the Farm house next door has been totally refurbished at the cost of 100K. Chimneys have been taken down, internal walls demolished and made into open plan rooms, 3 new bathrooms made, all the mature trees in the garden felled. Oh I must mention that this is a listed building and all this has been done without the consent of English Heritage or the Local Building Inspector

Oh dear.

Shouldn't they be told?

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Good Evening all, Update as promised. Remember back on Adventures part one I told you about our Local Squire Tarquin Fod - Scrotunm and His Wife who were evicting all their Tenants and turning thier homes into holiday lets Link allaboutFORUMS - View Single Post - CLOSED -Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman. Well the Farm house next door has been totally refurbished at the cost of 100K. Chimneys have been taken down, internal walls demolished and made into open plan rooms, 3 new bathrooms made, all the mature trees in the garden felled. Oh I must mention that this is a listed building and all this has been done without the consent of English Heritage or the Local Building Inspector

I must admit they have done a first class job and most of it looks terrific considering some of the Numpty's (sorry mate not you) that they have had working on it.

The last thing to go right in the middle of the Garden right in full view of our drive and bottom lawn was an 8 person hot tub.

Now before the felled a line of conifers their garden was shielded from view and vice a versa. The Conifers also served as a sound barrier stopping a lot of the farm noise from reaching us.

On Friday the first guests arrived for a long weekend at a cost of £900 for the weekend (£2,300 per week) at 8.30 the noise of drunken revelry was deafening outside our cottage. 8 Thirty something's pished as farts running naked round the lawn and jumping in and out of the hot tub.

It finally went silent around 11.30 Saturday lunchtime they were all in the tub when we went out, there were still 2 in the tub when we got back @ 4. Mrs Handy said they must be as shrivelled as prunes by now.

Saturday evening we were treated to a karaoke, I now know every word to girls just want to have fun (at least I think thats what they were singing).

Sunday not much different but at least the hot tub was unused probably due to the hail and sleet showers we had.

Lady Hooray was not happy, she phoned the Honourable
Lavinia Fod - Scrotum to complain but they weren't taking calls.

At Lunchtime today a woman I had never seen before came walking past our cottage. By the time I got out of the french doors she had gone round to our porch. I'm looking for Hillie she said using the name that her friends call Lady H. I'm the Fod - Scrotums head house keeper, I gather you have made a complaint about our guests? I filled her in on what had happened and made our collective feelings known.

I said look I realise that you are going to get a lot of city types and they will be in Holiday mood, We are not on Holiday and we live here and as such demand a little respect for our privacy and tranquillity.

She said I realise that you have been spoiled here for the last few years, but you have to expect some changes and that includes increased noise. We have planted a new hedge and that will screen you off. I said yes in 6 - 8 years as the evergreens you have planted are only 6 inches high.

She looked up at the big house and asked is that Hillie's house? I replied do you see any other

Now normally I would escort any new visitor up to the hall in case one of the terriers fancy a chew at a new ankle

It turned out the Lady Hooray was having her lunch and decided not to answer the door so by the time she had stood there for 3 minutes the woman had decided to leave.

By this time I had told Mrs Handy of the conversation I had had, including the subject of how spoiled we were living here!

Right said Mrs Handy I'm having her and flew out of the door to have words with this woman. It was at this point I decided to go (hide) in the sitting room and check my emails.

Mrs H chewed her ears for a full 5 minutes, the woman tried to wriggle by saying I know how you feel because I have the neighbours from Hell, Well that's your problem said Mrs Handy. As to our problem we didn't have any until now and if you don't sort out the behaviour of any guests you have staying over the road, then our problem will become your problem. You say your the head house keeper? how many Holiday lets do they have 5? well when we lived on the Och ya Sassenach Estate in Scotland my Husband and I looked after twice that number of lets on our own, As far as I'm concerned your all just playing at it.

I don't think we will see her again in a hurry. As for Lavinia Fod - Scrotum she will be at the same dinner part as Lady Hooray at the weekend I have a feeling another ear will get bent.

I don't think we will get too disturbed as at £2,300 a week they only have one more firm booking for the Farmhouse this year and the Manor House that they charge up to 3K for they are offering on line at half price until Easter.

Did I mention that Tarquin Fod - Scrotum was kicked out of the Local Branch of the Liberals because of how he was treating his Tenants.

Regards all, Handy

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Might that involve discussion about whether you're coming or going?

Well that's the problem Clever, trouble is when I "Go" I end up "Coming" . There has to be something wrong there, not unpleasant but embarrassing and inconvenient. (OK so I know there's a joke in here )

And that the consultant isn't going to give you a big hand.

I certainly hope not, It's a procedure I wouldn't like to go through again. I would add though to any bloke reading this, if you think you may have a problem get it checked out. I have avoided it for a couple of years, I consider myself lucky.

If I have to be checked again I am going to request a consultant with small hands and a water proof watch

Clever how could you.....

I think Handy was more thinking about a horse LOL

SC

Not exactly sure what you mean? SC, but if you think I will be doing any Horse Riding soon think again.

3 weeks on and I still walk with a John Wayne limp

Well as for things at the hall, I have had a restful weekend but not really had much time to post on AAD.

However There have been things happening of which I feel the story should be told ;w

But that will have to wait until tomorrow I promise I will bring you all up to date with happenings down here in Scrumpy Land.

Regards all, Handy

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Clever how could you.....

I think Handy was more thinking about a horse LOL

SC

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Good to hear you're okay handy

And that the consultant isn't going to give you a big hand.

[Pixie]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Good to hear you're okay handy

[CleverClogs (RIP)]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Now not to put too fine a point on it and seeing as you are unsure about what the part the prostate plays in the male anatomy, it can play hell up with the water works and stop the old marital tackle from working correctly. It becomes a worry when things start to work backwards. Enough if I was to fully describe what was / is happening I would get banned from AAD.

Might that involve discussion about whether you're coming or going?

[Johanino]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2



I have a referral to the clinic at the hospital...Apparently no one wants my green cupcake and I'm too young to remember Kenny Everett

So slept for the first time this week last night (the crisis line say I'm relapsing - I don't think so...Night staff @ the hospital like Nietzche - nuff said. That's reason enough to avoid them at all costs)

And now I am constantly sweating. No amount of deodorant fixes it....constantly...

SC

[Handyman]

Re: Hooray Hall. Adventures of a Handyman pt2

Gallows humour I'm afraid If. It is a legacy of my time in the Reserves, Mountain and Cave Rescue and in general all the strange things that have happened to me. Some people think it callous but ask any fireman or paramedic how they put it behind them and they will tell you it's humour (normally black).

Besides you have to look on the bright side (I should link to Monty Python )

I also know what it's like to lose my sense of Humour (I have been in that black hole of depression) I was lucky I had a few proactive mates who did more for me in a few weeks than an army of NHS mental health specialists. OK who said there's no change there then

I don't need a Shrink to tell me I'm as nutty as a fruitcake, I prefer the handle Eccentric

Still now I can plan what's going to happen in the next few weeks (I Hope).

I'm finding it hard to cope with getting older, my mind tells me I'm still 30, but when I'm putting my boots on my back tells me my age.

Like Billy Connolly said when your 50, the best advice he was given was have a pee when ever you get the chance, even though you don't need one. Never trust a Fart
And if you get an erection use it, even if your on your own

I'm even starting to think I may yet manage to grow old disgracefully. Well luckily I'm officially too old to die young

Regards, Handy

BTW enough of maudlin tomorrow back to life in the fast lane (at least as fast as it gets in Scrumpy land)